State of the Uterus

You are my Sunshine…

2012-01-23T23:26:00.001-07:00

Today is the last day of my 11th week. Wednesday we move to the “big leagues” aka 12 weeks. Some people say it’s the beginning of the second trimester while others believe that is more like 13 or 14 weeks. Doesn’t really matter to me. What 12 weeks means to me is NO MORE SHOTS! Wednesday the 25th is my last progesterone in oil shot and the last day that I have to take 5 estradiol pills a day. Tonight, while giving me my shot, John commented on how much he hates giving them to me because he knows how much it’s hurting me. I try not to complain about them because I know that without them there is a good chance we wouldn’t have come so far. It’s obvious though if you look or touch my hips. There are small bruises because of scar tissue, egg shaped lumps that span from hip to hip and touching them makes me jump. It’s to the point that John has to feel around my back for a spot that hurts less and doesn’t feel as hard. He hates having to hurt me with them and I tell him it’s not his fault but being done with them will be good for both of us. My RE and OB both said that it’s nothing we are doing wrong and it just builds up after awhile and scar tissue begins to form. It’s a daily shot in the same small area for 90+ days. It started as smooth sailing but it wasn’t going to last.

Being pregnant has been a mostly positive experience so far. I do get sick and nauseous more than I would like but it’s worth every minute of misery to know that there is a little one growing inside of me. I’m tired, a lot. I still have issues falling asleep (yay insomnia and 4 years of sleeping pills) but once I’m out, I’m out. Last night I sat down to watch the Red Wings game and next thing I know I’m waking up for the third and final goal. At least they won! As of this week my belly has started to pop out. I was denying at first and telling John it was bloat or I ate to much. He wouldn’t believe me and told me it was baby. He was right. It amazes me fast how quick this baby is growing and how fast changes are happening in my own body. It’s kind of exciting to look down and see this little bump forming. Now the world can see this miracle! I think it makes it even more real for John as well. He doesn’t get to feel the symptoms so when he sees the ultrasounds or the bump it’s really real. He is so adorably excited about this baby that it makes me giddy!

Mindy has started talking about throwing us a shower and dates and if we should do guys and gals or just ladies only. I have to say that I’m so excited for this. I NEVER thought I would ever get pregnant or have a shower or a little one of our own to celebrate. I literally tear up a little bit when I think about it. It’s a little bitter sweet because we can’t expect family to come from Michigan so it will just be our close friends from Arizona but I know that it will be fabulous. We are touched that people want to do this for us and celebrate this baby with a shower. I always imagined my Mom would throw me a shower with her usual Jeanne flair but that isn’t an option anymore. It breaks my heart that she won’t be here to celebrate, meet and love this baby. I know how excited she would be and I know that she wouldn’t have missed a chance to shower this baby with love with all her family and friends. I might be a little emotional at our shower because of that. I better warn Mindy!

2012-01-15T15:19:00.001-07:00

I've tried posting from my phone before but never from the iPad. Typing is a little awkward to begin with. Let's give this a try.

John and I were finally able to use our home Doppler to hear the babies heartbeat. It was amazing!

YouTube Video

It's hard to find this early so if I laugh or talk we lose it and have to start hunting for it all over again. Its worth the hunt though. I've never heard anything so amazing before. It's crazy to think that is our child. There is a baby growing in there. It took 8 years and thousands of dollars to get here but when we see or hear this little one it doesn't matter. This miracle was worth it all.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Hold Me Closer Tiny Dancer…

2012-01-10T19:07:00.001-07:00

(Or Tony Danza… I’m cool with that.)

This is little McShane, McMini, MiniMac, Zombie Baby (sorry Dad) and now Tiny Dancer. We had our first appointment with our OB, Mrs. Dr. Hutch. She was amazing. I will admit that I was crying before she came into the room. I was scared that they wouldn’t do an ultrasound, couldn’t find the heartbeat… you name it I was thinking it. Also, I was REALLY missing my Mom.

Mrs. Dr. Hutch or MDH came in the room and bounced over to me and said how nice it was to meet us and that she was SO EXCITED that we graduated from her husband, the RE, to her care. She went over our intake forms first and addressed all my medications. We talked about when to stop shots and the estrodial pills and my extremely unproductive thyroid and how important it is that I take my medication and she monitors it. She noticed on the forms that we had reported that John had an uncle who was mentally retarded and a cousin who is also mentally disabled and possibly autistic. We discussed our options for testing and her opinions on the situation. Previously we were told that it was the mother side that carried those genes and that was what we should worry about. This was false information. So we got a little nervous while sitting there. The chances are slim and wouldn’t change the outcome of this pregnancy but since I am OCD and need to know everything she decided we should have a NT Scan, Quad Screen and meet with a genetics counselor. I go back and forth on being worked up about to being relaxed and realizing whatever will be will be and that this is something out of our control. We agreed to do the tests and meet with the counselor. Better to know and prepare than to scramble for info at the last minute. The NT scan will check for downs and that will be on 1/30. On 2/22 is the meeting with the counselor and then on 3/21 (I think) is our 20 weeks can and anatomy scan. She did tell us to take it all with a grain of salt because there are false positives and that further tests will be done if this is the case. It’s a lot to digest and I’ve reached out to anyone I know to help us wrap our heads around it all. Others have been there and hearing their experiences helps us greatly. My high school English teacher commented on my Facebook and she set me more at ease than anyone else so far. Go figure. A lot of people have genetic testing and NT scans done and some have no reason other than just because so we are moving forward and keeping positive thoughts.

MDH then gave us the greatest gift ever, a peek at our baby! I almost squealed with delight and relief when the baby appeared on the screen. GORGEOUS. It took my breath away. Right away would could see the little heart beating away in the chest. The baby was measuring at 9w2d and we are 9w5d. MDH said that the baby was perfect and right on target. She said “SO CUTE” about 10 times. Our little one kept moving all it’s limbs around and even it’s head. It looked like a tiny Irish Jig going on in my belly. Either it was dancing or getting pissed about the ultrasound wand poking around it’s home. Either way it was surreal. John couldn’t believe that the baby was dancing around like that. Hence Tiny Dancer! MDH printed off about 7 photos for us of the baby and hugged us and congratulated us. She promised to keep Hutch and Holly updated on us and the baby. She told us her office would set up all the appointments with the perinatalogist for us and sent us on our way for some blood work. I really liked her and am thankful that Faith recommended her to us. We see her again on 2/6 and every month following. It’s a good thing we liked her!

I’ve been finding it hard to update the blog and it’s not because we aren’t excited. We are busting at the seems over this little baby. I’ve been having a really hard time without my Mom or a mother figure to share this pregnancy with. John is amazing and I have a great group of friends who are helping us. It’s not Mindy or Faith or anyone’s responsibility to act as my Mom for me but there are times when they are the only people that understand what I am going through. And the best part is the both are excited about this baby, check how we are doing and offer advice to anything that I ask. I know my Mom would have been over the moon about this baby and I guess that is what is lacking for me. Are our families even excited for this new member or is this old hat to them? We’ve waited 8 years to get to this point and I guess we thought/hoped that people would be sharing in our excitement with us. As close as I am with my Dad he’s “The Dad” and a man and a Saunders which means he is happy for us but in a quieter different way then a Grandma. And my EWO is amazing but she’s always been practical and calm and level headed about things. Daniel and I are her “kids” so I can’t really ask her pregnancy questions. She did, however, give me more information on crib safety than I could ever have gathered on my own. My Mom’s family isn’t involved with us that much since she passed away. I live in a different state. I don’t think there will be any shower other than the one Mindy wants to throw for us. I don’t care about gifts but I want people to be excited for this baby. Maybe I’m hormonal and asking too much but both John and I feel really alone in this.

The hardest thing I’ve ever done is bury my Mother. The second hardest thing is to be pregnant without my Mama here to share it with.

I know we are lucky for the friends we have here and back home. There are a million texts waiting for us when we leave our appointments. People checking up on us on Facebook and leaving comments on the babies pictures. I am happy for that. I just wish certain people were as excited for us as our friends are. Does that make sense? And now that I’m bawling and typing I will move on to a light hearted survey…

9 Weeks 6 Days
Total Weight Loss/Gain: averaging 3lbs depending on the day.
Maternity Clothes: Nope. But I did by some secondhand for a GREAT DEAL.
Stretch marks: None from pregnancy.
Sleep: My friend Helen thinks I’m hibernating.
Movement: Not that I can feel but we saw it during the ultrasound!
Cravings/Aversions: Still can’t handle eggs or pizza. Craving garlic, spicy and salt.
Gender: 10 weeks until we know!
Symptoms: Sleepy and nauseous but I can deal.
What I miss: My Mom.
What I look forward to: The anatomy scan!
Moods: Excited! (When I’m not missing my Mom.)
Milestones: Making it to 10 weeks!
Medical concerns: Genetic abnormalities.

We Live as We Dream Alone

2011-12-26T17:39:00.001-07:00

Just wanted to introduce Mini McShane. These were taken at 6w6d and the baby was measuring 6w5d. The doctor said this was excellent and considering that it started as twins and I’m a midget I’m refraining from freaking out the my child is not EXACTLY perfect. If you look closely at this first photo you can see the babies head, little arm buds, tail(bone) and even a little umbilical cord. You can also see the yolk sac sitting underneath the baby. The size of the yolk sac, the size of my uterus and the canal combined with the heartbeat and the size of the baby is why our doc said that everything was perfect and we had the markings of strong genetics and a good pregnancy. And yet I’m paranoid that something will happen in the two weeks before our next appointment. Go figure. The baby is obviously still growing away in there because I’m nauseous all the time and exhausted. I can’t seem to eat without getting sick. Even the thought of food sends me into a fit. Mostly it’s been dry heaving but that’s more because I hate to vomit. I’ve found that Vernors (because of the real ginger) works wonders for me. Even more so when heated in the microwave for 31 seconds to take off the chill and add more bubbles. John boughtt me these candies called Preggie Pop Drops that are working well. Just have to beg the Dad to send me some of the Chooz that EWO uses and I should be all set.

The next ultrasound image is hovering over our baby and over the heart so that he could record and measure the heartbeat and so we could hear it. The baby head a good heartbeat of 119bpm and the doctor told us it was going to speed up over the next few days. I still think seeing and hearing that heartbeat was the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me.

This last one is a fabulous imagine of the yolk sac. The only reason I’m really including it is because I hate even numbers and if not it would have been two images. See my OCD with numbers coming into play. We are working on that before the baby comes…

And this I am stealing from my darling friend Sarah who is expecting her little girl about 10 weeks before us. It's Miller Time!

7 Weeks 5 Days
Total Weight Loss/Gain: 2.5 but that could be from vacation eats! (AKA Friend Pickles!)
Maternity Clothes: Nope.
Stretch marks: None from pregnancy.
Sleep: Always.
Movement: Still have to wait for that miracle.
Cravings/Aversions: Eggs, Pizza and sausage seem to be out. Craving vinegar, salt and spicy.
Gender: We’ve always wanted a boy but now we just want healthy!
Symptoms: Sleepy and nauseated. Plus the lumps from progesterone shots.
What I miss: Pizza, breakfast foods and the energy to clean my house.
What I look forward to: The next ultrasound, hearing the heartbeat again and using our home Doppler.
Moods: Annoyed but I think that is more certain people than from being pregnant.
Milestones: Being pregnant and seeing the healthy heartbeat!
Medical concerns: None.

All I Ever Wanted Was to Finish What I Started…

2011-12-23T12:51:00.001-07:00

I’m going to attempt to get a bit more detailed with all that has gone on in the past few weeks. I could kick myself for not updating this along the way. It would have been much easier than going back a month…

Our transfer was at 1045a on the 21st of November. We were scheduled for our Beta HCG on Friday December 2nd. The morning of the 27th I happened to be awake at 430a and just so happened to have 8 home pregnancy tests, two different brands. I figured why not, it might be a bit early but I wanted to know. Others had posted that they had +HPT 5 days post transfer and I was 6 days. So I took the test. I was literally shaking while watching for the results. As I was giving myself the “it’s too soon to tell” pep talk and trying to keep from a breakdown, the faintest second line appeared. ACK! I text a picture to Mindy and wanted her to tell me if she saw it as well. Obviously she was still asleep at 5a so I waited a few hours and took two more tests. Both of those were positive and one was the digital type that actually said “Pregnant”. I almost passed out.

Mindy got back to me and we decided to go to Target and get a couple things in order for me to surprise John and let him know we were finally pregnant. I bought 6 baby bottles and replaced them for the beer bottles in a six pack that John had in our fridge. Then I had to wait for what seemed like ages for him to come home. I told him I had bought him a new six pack and he should check it out. He opened the fridge, closed it, and walked into the bedroom and stared at me. “Johnny, we’re pregnant!”. He had a huge grin on his face, he walked back into the kitchen and opened the fridge again. It finally clicked for him!

I took 7 different test over the next few days and finally called Holly to tell her we had 7 positive tests at home and that we wanted to move our beta up so that we could see if it was doubling properly before we left for Mexico/Michigan. She agreed and sent us on Wednesday the 30th for our first Beta HCG. Our first test came back at 71.5! We were officially pregnant.

Friday the 2nd John and I got up early to head to the Tucson airport. We stopped at a lab on the way to have our second HCG tests. We should have seen the numbers doubling. We arrived in Michigan and Dr. Hutch called a couple hours later with the results. He left me a message saying the level was 86. Obviously that wasn’t doubling. I had a major freak out and called a few close friends in tears and then called Holly on her cell and left a message at the after hours center for Hutch. Hutch wasn’t very optimistic. He told us that we only had about a 15% chance of the pregnancy sticking but that we should still continue the shots and medications and have another tests on Tuesday. Since we were going to be in Mexico, Holly gave us the information we would need to request the test down there.

I was scared and miserable and so worried about what was going on. And we had to wait until Tuesday. We flew to Mexico and got settled at John’s parent’s vacation house. It was very hard to enjoy Mexico and our vacation because all we could think about was the baby. Tuesday morning finally arrived and we went to the clinic to have the blood work done. I think normally I would have been frightened to have my blood drawn in foreign country but at this point I would have done ANYTHING just to know what was going on with our baby. In Mexico they don’t call with your results. They give you a time to come back and they give you an official letter with the results. We had to wait until 6pm to head back to get the news. We opened the letter while walking out the door. 316.8! We had come close to doubling and we were still rising! We immediately called Holly with the results. She was very happy for us but cautiously optimistic. She told me we were high risk and still under the scrutiny of the office. She gave me a list of things I needed to avoid eating or doing and told me to enjoy Mexico and that I needed another blood test on Monday the 12th in Michigan.

As soon as we got back to Michigan we got the information for the closest lab. My sister had gone there with her son and knew exactly where to go. Plus it was an Oakwood lab and John’s Mom and most of her family works for Oakwood. We knew we weren’t getting the results that day but we were on edge for sure. We were hoping to hear that the numbers were around 2500. The next morning we woke up and met the Dad, EWO and Gram for breakfast. It was a good way to keep my mind off the blood work that we were waiting on. When we left restaurant I decided to call Holly and get my results. I could not wait another minute. Holly picked up the phone and said “No more blood tests for you! 4344! You are very pregnant!”. Amazing news that set us both on cloud nine. Our baby was still growing and thriving and our numbers were beyond doubling. We set up our first ultrasound on the 20th of December. The first appointment after we returned from Michigan.

The office was packed liked I’d never seen it. And by packed I mean maybe 3 other couples. Which is packed for Hutch. We had a 10a appointment but we didn’t get back to the room until 20 after. Our family and friends were “im”patiently waiting for the news. They wanted to know if it was 1 or 2 babies. I had told Johnny for weeks that I thought it was only 1. I just had a feeling. He was still thinking twins. Hutch came in and told us that if anything was wrong he would tell us right away. The image came on the screen and Hutch casually said “there’s the heartbeat”… Johnny jumped from his chair to my side so he could get a better view. We watched in awe as Hutch pointed out the flicker on the screen as the heartbeat of our ONE HEALTHY BABY! He took all sorts of measurements and was telling us that it looked perfect and that it had the markers of good genetics and a strong pregnancy. He then zoomed in on the baby and told me to hold my breath. Next thing we know the sound of our babies heartbeat filled the room! It was the most amazing thing we had ever seen or heard. The heartbeat was 119bpm and Hutch said it was speed up from here. He also said it was perfect. I like hearing that word about our baby.

Hutch then asked me if we had picked out our OB yet. Then he said “Well congratulations, we are done here”. That was it! We had graduated from infertile to pregnant. They handed us a card that said Congratulations and included three ultrasound images of our little baby. Told me to stay on the meds and shots until the 25th of January and that was it. We had our first appointment with Hutch in May and we were pregnant by November!

Defy Gravity…

2011-12-20T21:26:00.001-07:00

Just a quick update. I’m currently exhausted, buried in dirty laundry and about to devour some chocolate covered peanuts. Frankly, I don’t want to get chocolate all over the keyboard.

Pregnant HCG 70.5
Two days later HCG 86. UH OH
Fly to Michigan
Fly to Mexico
HCG test in Mexico (eek!) 316.8 Better
Spend a week in Mexico
Fly back to Michigan
HCG test in the Mitten (Hoping for around 2500)
Results are in and HCG is 4344 YAAAAYYY! No more blood test but still high risk
Spend a week in Michigan
Fly to Arizona
First ultrasound as a pregnant lady! Yikes Heartbeat is 119 and baby is HEALTHY
Released to OB
First OB appointment 1/9
Stop shots 1/25

YAY, YAY and more YAY!

Happy Birthday Brother!

2011-11-30T22:25:00.001-07:00

Among his many qualities, good taste in music is at the forefront. Happy Birthday Big Brother. I hope you can find yourself an MJ birthday cake in Indy. And yes, that adorable blonde in the red dress is me.

Thought of You. And Where You’d Gone…

2011-11-23T18:05:00.001-07:00

Because my sister is way cooler than me and by that I mean she can edit a picture and make it brighter and add a big ass arrow to it… She took the ultrasound of our embryos in the uterus and made it a little easier to read. Personally I enjoy the big arrow because giving directions to locate what I was talking about isn’t always clear.

The arrow points to the groove made by the catheter. In fact the catheter I still in there in this picture and the bubble of bright white is the air marking where my embryos were lounging. By today they should be attached and even starting to implant deeper into the uterus. That is if they are doing what they are supposed to. The odds are in our favor so I am hopeful that they are doing so.

Technically I am 3 weeks pregnant today and I find this to be hilarious for some reason. Maybe because the embryos have only been in my body for 3 days and I feel no different from a week ago. In fact the only think I am is nauseous but that is most likely the brilliant combination of antibiotics and steroids. I never do well with the side effects of either of these meds.

I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that we are actually done with the hard part of IVF and FET. Now it’s the wait (which is no fun) and we will know something December 3rd. Come on little embryos. It’s a cozy uterus and I am filling it full of estrogen and progesterone just for you. See how much I spoil you already?

Total Eclipse of the Heart…

2011-11-21T20:17:00.001-07:00

I cannot believe it’s over! The Frozen Embryo Transfer was so quick but so amazing! Seeing those two little embryos land in my uterus. I’m in awe. I truly was amazing and I know John was. It was a little bit emotional and a whole lot of amazing!

These are are 5 Day Blastocysts. The one on the left is rated as a 5AA and the one on the right is a 4AA. Both are perfect and high quality. My lining was also great so now we just have to wait and see if one or both of them decided to hang out for 9 months. For all technical purposes I am 2 weeks and 5 days pregnant today. The embryos are 5 days old but they start the clock at the beginning of the cycle minus the month that my eggs were frozen.

This is the picture of my uterus. That big black whole at the top is my extremely full bladder. I had to drink 32 hours of warm water an hour before the appointment. They do an abdominal ultrasound and use the bladder to push the intestines out of the way so they can see the uterus and where they need to lay the embryos. Dr. H put a catheter in with a dummy cath inside that was used to carve a small groove in the uterine lining for the embryos to hang out. He then placed the catheter with the embryos in and we watched them fly across the screen like two shooting stars. Technically the flashes are bubbles after each blast so that he can see where they are going but it was still amazing to see.

The lower part of the image that looks a big like a pita pocket is my uterus. The little line in the middle is the groove from the catheter. On the left, where the larger area is and the bright white spot is where the embryos are currently located.

Now we wait two weeks for a blood test to confirm that we are pregnant. In the mean time we are “pregnant until proven otherwise”!

I Want it All and I Want it Now!

2011-11-20T19:46:00.001-07:00

I swear I typed a blog post at some point between now and the last one. But, apparently not. It’s 15:15 hours until my transfer. I’m so nervous and excited and anxious all at once. It’s a really strange mixture of feelings. I never felt this way before an IUI. Who knows how I will handle the two week wait between tomorrow and beta. It’s going to be a mess.

We have stacked our odds as best that we can. We have the best RE, responded amazing to the meds, produced high quality blasts and have followed instructions to a T. We are also adding in acupuncture to help increase the odds. Holly told us that the odds with one high quality blast was around 75% and our odds actually increase and peak with two. We are going to transfer two five day blasts. One is a 5d5AA and the other will be a 5d4AA and those are amazing. My lining was high quality and around 6.5mm last week. Hutch told us that with the new technology and ultrasounds (his are amazing, brand new) that things appear smaller now because the resolution is so much better. I was panicking that it was too thin but it said it was perfect for that time.

We’ve started the progesterone in oil shots and they are not as miserable as so many people make them out to be. John does the shot for me after I heat the oil bottle in my hands. I might feel the pinch from the needle but even that is rare. I have no bruising or lumps that many people complain about. As soon as the shot is over John rubs the area to help move the oil around and then I sit on a heating pad for about 20 minutes. We rotate sides and have no issues. So much so that starting in December, if we are successful, I am stopping the crinone gel and just using the PIO shots. I hate that crinone. If I hadn’t spent 232 bucks on an eight day supply I would have stopped using it already. Holly laughed and said she agrees with that me that shots aren’t a big deal at all.

Tomorrow I have acupuncture at 930a and will be chugging 32oz of water and taking my valium during that appointment. After that we head to Hutch’s office for the actual transfer which is scheduled for 1045a and should only take about 30 minutes. It seems to quick to be such an important event. I’ll be taking it easy for a few days and staying away from people to avoid germs. If we are pregnant Hutch is making me wear masks in the airport for our trips and no xrays are allowed of me or my meds. He wants me washing and sanitizing my hands every five minutes. A fever could ruin everything for us and that is a chance I refuse to take. Stacy is even scrubbing her house and checking to make sure no one is sick so that I can come to her house and relax and enjoy a Thanksgiving meal. In the even that doesn’t work out then I will be begging people for doggy bags!

Hello Me. Meet the Real Me.

2011-11-12T19:33:00.001-07:00

It was only a matter of time but my streak of good health has been broken. I woke up Wednesday with a sore throat and a pretty high fever. Johnny came home from work and had mild panic attack when he saw how high my fever was. We in the midst of the IVF and the last thing we need is me to be sick or to have the transfer postponed because of illness. Johnny went straight to the pharmacy to get me some Tylenol Cold medicine, cough drops and extra vitamin C. For the last four days I’ve been in med for about 20 hours a day resting and hoping this cold will go away. I thought I was feeling better Friday but then my ears started to hurt and I felt exhausted to showering or walking to the living room. So I’m doing nothing but taking cold medicine and vitamin C and sleeping. My hope is to have the fever and ear pain gone before my appointment on Monday at 3pm with Hutch.

My Dad’s in the same state is me! Yay! He’ll be heading down to Sierra Vista this week and spending a few days with us. I believe he will stay until our transfer on the 21st but that is not set in stone just yet. I’m a bit overly excited to see the Dad and to have him here to make me laugh and keep me calm during the days leading up to the transfer. Just like it was nice to have Lisa hear to do the same during the retrieval. We couldn’t do this without the help and support from our friends and family.

I really can’t believe that we are 9 days out from the transfer of our two blastocysts. I thought the days would drag by until the retrieval and they flew! Then when the transfer was pushed back a month I thought the same thing but it went by even faster. We secured a lab in Michigan for the blood draw but even that seems like it’s so far away. In reality we will know if we are pregnant in less than a month. How crazy is that?

Not a Day Less Will Do…

2011-11-08T15:38:00.001-07:00

I’ve been terrible about updating this blog. I would think I’d be updating it constantly since everything has been going so well and we’ve had such positive results. Sadly that is not the case as you can see from my less than weekly updates. Though my Dad might be the only one that is upset by the lack of updates.

Right now I am in the waiting game. We were given the transfer date of Monday, November 21st at 1045a. Our first ultrasound went great. Dr. H once again said everything looked perfect. I started taking estrogen pills to help build the lining but that’s about it so far. On Monday the 14th I have another ultrasound to check the lining and I have an acupuncture appointment. I’m excited to get back to my acupuncture. I’ve missed it but had no reason to go the last few weeks while nothing was going on. I’ll have another appointment right before the transfer as well. So let’s just hope my lining stays on track and is thick enough for one or two blastocysts to implant in.

We decided to transfer two of our best quality 5 day blastocysts. Dr. H asked us at last appointment and agreed that two was “fair”. He referred to our four years of unsuccessful fertility treatments as being in prison. Add to that the four years prior to that when we weren’t undergoing treatment but had no success. I am thankful that he takes the emotional aspect of infertility into consideration. He suggested we transfer the two best from day 5 and we happily agreed.

Now we wait until the 21st and then we wait until the 3rd for our Beta HCG to confirm that the transfer was successful. Never mind the fact that I have zero patience and will probably have a nervous breakdown by then… At least I’ll get to celebrate on the beaches in Mexico!

This is Halloween!

2011-10-30T22:54:00.001-07:00

Halloween and Dia de los Muertos are probably my favorite days of the year. In our house we decorate the inside of the house more than the outside. I want to enjoy the decorations! This Halloween also marks our 8th wedding anniversary. (I love you Johnny!)

Detroit Red Wings Winter Classic D (Bringing a little Hockeytown to the desert)

We call this one Evil Pug. The ears are all wrong for a pug but it works for us.

Finally our “Boo-ber Shop Quartet” (Yep, we’re dorks)

With Memories to Light Your Way

2011-10-29T13:41:00.001-07:00

I figured I’d write a little bit about my egg retrieval. More so that I can remember it all then any other reason. I’ve talked to a few people who have had successful transfers and pregnancy and at that point they can’t remember any of the steps they took to get there or the details. I’m not sure if I will want to remember or even care after we are successfully pregnant and then holding our child but just in case…

My retrieval was scheduled for 7am on Wednesday the 19th. The day before we had picked John’s Mom up from the airport and decided to get a hotel and stay in Tucson for the night. Johnny didn’t want to make the 1.5 hour drive two more times and I didn’t want to get up at 430am. The night before I couldn’t sleep but it was more because Johnny and I were sharing a full size bed when we are used to our King. I might have been a little excited for the transfer as well. I was getting pretty uncomfortable from the swelling of my ovaries and could only lay on my left side. John’s Mom was up before the alarm even went off and Johnny was right behind him. They are morning people. I am not. The two of them were sipping coffee and patiently waiting on me to drag my self out of bed.

We arrived at Dr. H’s office about 10 minutes before 7am and were obviously the only ones there. We could here Holly and another voice laughing and chatting in the back so we ventured back there to let them know we were there. We handed over John’s contribution and headed back to the waiting area. While we were there Dr. Egg Sitter came in and Holly introduced us to him. He told us he’d be the most expensive baby sitter we ever paid for but he promised he’d be worth it. He was such a nice guy and made me more comfortable to have met our Embryologist. Shortly after Holly took me back to the retrieval room.

I was a little surprised when I walked in because they had so much medical equipment in the room. Holly explained that they have everything that an OR would in a hospital in order to offer the safest and most complete medical care. The room was a bit intimidating but Holly, as usual, was able to calm me right down. I was introduced to my anesthesiologist and answered a few questions for her. They left me to change into a night gown and get comfortable on the bed. Comfortable is an odd word because it’s really a chair with a high back and stirrups with blue padding. Once I was settled on the bed my IV was started. This was probably the most painful part of the entire day. Pinching and burning and just generally uncomfortable. I was starting to relax from the “twilight” drugs they were giving me and happened to mention to them that last time I was under anesthesia that they anesthesiologist was yelling at me to breath because apparently I kept forgetting. She told me that was normal and promised not to yell.

Dr. H came in around this time and told me he had met my mother in law in the lobby but Johnny had ran out for coffee. I had heard Holly telling him to go get some coffee and relax for about an hour. So he ran to get coffee and to bring it back for himself and his Mom. This is when things get really fuzzy because the medicine was in full effect. I never really fell asleep and apparently I talked to them for most the procedure or would at least chime in on their conversations. I remember that the drugs made my nose itch like crazy and I kept taking my oxygen mask off. I remember Dr. H telling me that everything was going well and that he wished he had more patients like me. I also remember being fully awake at the end when they had to use large cotton swabs to remove all fluids from the cervix. I lied, that was THE MOST painful part of the whole procedure. Dr. H was apologizing over and over again and I was trying not to kick him.

They moved me into a recovery room with soft classical music playing. They placed me in a recliner with a warm blanket and a heating pad. Things were starting to get uncomfortable at this point. The swelling was bad and my ovaries were contracting and cramping. I kept asking how many eggs they got and if they looked good but they didn’t have a count yet. Holly went to get John and his Mom and brought them back to the room with me. She hung out for a bit and told me that it went perfectly and that they wished they had more patients like me. Apparently I’m pretty entertaining. She told us that because my nose kept itching from the narcotic they gave me that I told them “I probably look like I’ve been hanging out at Studio 54”. Holly said they were all cracking up and then wondering how I even knew about Studio 54 since I’m only 30. Apparently I was full of jokes during the procedure and even thanked my anesthesiologist for not yelling at me to breath. While Holly was in the room we found we got 18 eggs. Less than the number follicles they saw but I was more than ok with that number.

A few minutes after Holly left Dr. H came in to tell us how everything went. He said the same things that Holly said, he wished all retrievals went as well as mine and that I am very entertaining. He was also shocked because I’ve never had a brussel sprout. Apparently they were talking about a new recipe for them and I piped up to say I had never had them. He actually stayed with us for about 15-20 minutes and talked to us about the pug he used to have, recipes and of course our eggs. He told me I was good to go and could slowly start getting dressed and ready to leave. They told me to take it easy for a few days, drink lots of water and salty foods to decrease the swelling. Holly came back in and gave me the ok to start eating whole grains again. BEST NEWS EVER!

I was extremely uncomfortable, swollen and tired but I was so glad that things went well. We stopped for breakfast at the Good Egg (funny coincidence!) where I enjoyed some whole grain wheat toast. Then we made the drive to Sierra Vista. It’s a bit fuzzy but I stayed awake most of it because every bump shook my innards and hurt. I napped most the afternoon while John took his mom to meet his horse and out for a beer. (His first in 3 months because of the retrieval.)

I know this was miserably long and I don’t expect many people to have read the whole thing. It’s more for me to remember what we went through that day. Now we just wait to start a new cycle so that we can prepare for our frozen embryo transfer. We are thinking it will happen mid November and we cannot wait.

Somebody Leave the Light On

2011-10-25T18:46:00.002-07:00

I know this is late and that I should have updated about my IVF Retrieval process a lot earlier. We’ve been very busy, John’s Mom has been in town and frankly I’ve been exhausted since it happened. So tonight I will just give a quick update on the important stuff about the eggs. Tomorrow I’ll go into more detail about the actual process. I’m afraid if I tried to do that tonight I’d fall sleep typing.
Day 0 (Retrieval) = 18 Eggs
Day 1 = 14 of those eggs were mature and and 12 of the 14 successfully fertilized.
Day 3 = 11 eggs made it to the 8 cell stage. 6 of them having the highest ranking and 5 right below them on the charts.
Day 5 = 1x5AA, 1x4AA, 2x4BB and 3x3BB embryos. Dr. H is thrilled with all 7 embryos and they are frozen in individual straws to await transfer.
Day 6 = 2x5AA embryos are frozen. The remaining 2 embryos that did not reach a quality blastocyst stage were discarded. All eggs that were frozen on day 5 & 6 are “wonderful”!
Our doctor doesn’t relay very heavily on the grading and will only have embryos frozen that have possibility of becoming a viable pregnancy. We are VERY happy with the results and can’t wait for our next cycle so we can prepare for our frozen transfer.

Paper Faces on Parade…

2011-10-17T23:30:00.001-07:00

So yesterday was miserable. I couldn’t figure out what was causing it but I was so nauseous. John thought I didn’t eat enough but I was eating all the time to make the nausea go away. I thought maybe it was the antibiotic we are taking for the IVF. We had an appointment today and I told Holly and she said “Estrogen”. Huh?

The nausea is still present and making me miserable. I’m not a happy camper. But I had a great appointment today. Dr. H thinks we will get at least 20 eggs on Wednesday and possibly upwards of 25. My lead follicle was almost 33mm which is just HUGE. They ranged from that big guy down to 4mm. He said it all depends on how the little ones cooperate. Lining looked good and we were told to trigger at 9pm tonight.

Around 3pm Holly called to tell me the results of my E2 (estrogen) test. On Wednesday it was holding perfectly at 797. Today it was 5190! ESTROGEN! OH! No wonder I feel so crappy. So my retrieval is still on but the fresh embryo transfer is canceled. I’m at high risk for OHSS and the estrogen is 1690 higher than what the doctor considers too high for a transfer. We will be doing a frozen embryo transfer (FET) sometime in November as long as the estrogen goes down, my ovaries cooperate and I don’t get extreme OHSS. Holly told me that in this unique situation it’s not a bad thing to happen because their odds for people doing FET after higher estrogen, lots of eggs, is 75% on the first FET and 100% success by the second. So we have higher odds that we will conceive. Thought it all depends on the quality of my eggs. We will know more on Wednesday!

You Are Not My Friend (Ganirelix)

2011-10-14T20:06:00.001-07:00

So the Ganirelix is not my favorite shot. It’s a prefilled syringe and the needle is fairly small. For some reason it got hung up in my abdomen and didn’t want to go all the way in. So I had to give it a little muscle to get it in all the way. The medication went in easily and didn’t burn at all. I think because of the difference in needle size between the Follistim and the Ganirelix I wasn’t ready for the amount of force this needle would need to enter the skin all the way. Once it was over it was a tender for about 30 minutes but it is fine now. I’ll survive and it’s all worth it.

(Notice the mass quantity of quarters on my table? I take after my Dad and squirrel away my change. I was finally getting around to rolling the quarters when I realized I didn’t have coin wrappers. So there they sit.)

Looking so Long at these Pictures of You…

2011-10-13T19:40:00.001-07:00

Just a quick update because I’m feeling rather exhausted and lazy today.

First of all the appointment yesterday went well. Dr. H says that everything looks perfect. I like that word. I have at least 15 follicles on the right ovary and the lead follicle was around 13mm and I have at least 10 follicles on the left ovary. He didn’t count or measure the smaller follicles. My lining, according to the doc, was perfect. It was just shy of 6mm which means it’s thickening nicely and should be a hospitable place for an embryo to implant. Later in the afternoon Holly called to let me know that my E2 level is 797, also perfect. I am to continue with my Follistim and begin Ganirelix on Friday.

Second fun and exciting update is that Dr. H is now leaning towards a fresh transfer as opposed to frozen. We had gotten used to the idea that it would be a FET because of my PCOS and the fact that I would probably hyper stimulate. He was very pleased with what he saw during the ultrasound and said that as long as my ovaries keep behaving then we should be able to do a fresh transfer on the 24th. I am not going to get my hopes up either way or be crushed one way or another. At this point I am just pleased that my body is responding to the drugs in a positive way. I haven’t had any side effects other than exhaustion and a little bit of sharp pain in my right ovary. But honestly, if you had 15 growing follicles in one ovary you’d feel a bit crowded.

Finally, I am allowed to exercise again but I most increase my calories. I was going to start back at the gym today but after eating breakfast and 3 glasses of water I weighed myself to find out I’d lost 3lbs. So instead of the gym I focused on the calories and once I get things leveled off again I will get back to the gym. Since losing weight is NOT allowed during IVF I have to be really careful of what I consume and what exercises that I do. For the first time in my life I’m eating healthy and losing weight and now I have to try and stop it. Go figure.

This is Halloween!

2011-10-11T20:31:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow is our second ultrasound and E2. I’m interested to see if we are making progress with the medications. If all goes well then my meds will stay the same and I will add in Ganirelix on Friday. So for the last four days of Follistim I will also be doing the Ganirelix shots and taking Doxycicline. Let’s hope all goes well and that the follicles are growing and responding to the medications.

Yesterday and today’s shots hurt a lot more than the first two. I was a little surprised. I thought that maybe I did something wrong on Monday and that was why it pinched a bit. But the same thing happened again tonight. Maybe I was so excited about the first two that I didn’t feel it. I’m not sure but I’m hoping that it will all be worth it!

We’ve starting preparing for Halloween here in the McShane house. A little later than usual but we have been busy. This Halloween will mark John and I’s 8th wedding anniversary. Makes me feel just a little bit old. When the house wasn’t decorated I felt so strange. We love Halloween so we finally busted out the decorations. John still has to put the bat lights outside but everything else is pretty much done. When John’s Mom is here we are heading to Apple Annie’s in Wilcox to pick up some pumpkins. Then it will finally feel like Halloween!

KGUN 9 On Your Side

2011-10-09T17:13:00.001-07:00

Click Here to view the story about us that aired on the news last night. I was surprised to receive an email Marissa at KGUN 9 during our garage sale on Saturday. I really didn’t have time to read it or respond until the sale had ended. After I spoke to her I was informed that they wanted to hear our story so that they could put a piece together for the 10pm news. I was touched and a bit surprised that people wanted to hear about us. What didn’t surprise me is that they wanted to hear about the generosity of our friend and even strangers here in Sierra Vista. I was happy to give them public acknowledgement for their hard work and generous donations.

The only thing about the news report is that they misquoted the amount of money we raised on Saturday by about 500 dollars. The article on the website that is linked has amount that we raised with yard sales and donations and the bottle drive in Michigan.

Also, my voice sound really strange. Why has no one ever told me that before? And please excuse my appearance, it was a 5am start time for a yard sale so I look like a bum. (I kind of always look a bum so I’m not sure why I mentioned that!)

Shots! Shots! Shots!

2011-10-08T20:26:00.001-07:00

Ok, it was really only one shot with a very small needle. But, it was still a shot! 1 down, 9 to go.(Plus the multiple shots of three other medications but who’s counting?) The exciting part is that my first shot is done and over and went well.

Scary and exciting. Painless.

Who Needs Sleep?

2011-10-08T18:49:00.001-07:00

I am, once again, in shock by the amazing people in our lives. We had our second yard sale today to raise money to offset the cost of our IVF. We had a second sale because we received so many donations for the first sale, while it was a success, there was TOO much to sell! Today’s sale was a little bit rushed to put together because of my doctor appointments, John’s back injury, and the schedules of my amazing friends who volunteer their time to help me with the sale. I actually forgot to place the ad in the local paper. I was getting nervous about the number of people who might show up today. Apparently I had nothing to worry about. Helen made me some amazing signs that we posted at all the major intersections of our town. We spread the word on Craiglist and Facebook and that was all it took to have another smashing success of a sale.

I woke up this morning around 515a and shortly after Mindy showed up to help me set up and to deal with the morning rush. We started emptying the garage of the items for sale and we had a line of people wanting to see what we were bringing out. A little bit later Dawn showed up and handled the sales while Mindy and I tried to set up and to keep people from buying Johnny’s golf clubs (I’m trying to have a baby not get a divorce!) because people see those big items and they start offering money! We had some great crowds first thing and it came it waves all morning. Helen arrived and took over the money box and we all went to work making deals, rearranging items to fill in the gaps and greeting all the people who arrived. We even got tipped with Tootsie Rolls from a charming man. Later on Stacy came to help out and then Jessica. It was great having all those bodies there, not only for the support but because people would drive by, see the crowd and stop. We had so many friends stop by to support us it was amazing. I’m a very lucky girl. People were still arriving to shop when the tables were cleared except for a few items. We slowly began packing it up and had a few boxes left over to donate to the Salvation Army.

It’s hard to express how amazing the people are in our life. We meet them over the last four years but they are truly family. A special thanks to Mindy because NONE of this would have been possible without her. She has a heart of gold and is the most generous person I know. She hauled so many boxes over the course of these sales. There were times when I didn’t think I could handle doing these sales and without her I couldn’t have. Her house and garage were full of donations for weeks, she did countless pick ups of items and then shows up from the set up to the clean up at the sale. I might have to name my kid after her! Honestly, it’s been such a mind blowing experience. People we’ve never meet donating items and coming to shop, friends sending donations, dropping of items to sell and all the people who came to shop. We even heard from a few people about their own struggles with infertility or the struggles of people they know. The best was hearing the success stories of those that crossed over the line from infertile to fertile.

I’m exhausted to say the very least but I have to keep my eyes open a little longer. KGUN 9 in Tucson has heard about the outpouring of generosity and is doing a story on the 10pm news about it. I have to stay to watch! I just hope I was able to convey my gratitude to everyone who has been involved in this experience.

And We’re Moving On Up!

2011-10-07T19:52:00.001-07:00

I had my baseline ultrasound this morning. I was a little nervous because if anything strange showed up on there than we would have to postpone the cycle. Thankfully, everything was perfect! In my right ovary there were 15-20 follicles. He mentioned my left ovary count as well but I wasn’t paying attention because Holly came in the room to discuss my medications. Dr. H said that my lining was perfect and we could move forward. So after the appointment John and I went over to the pharmacy to pick up the first 5 days of medication. Starting tomorrow I will inject 150iu of Follistim once an evening. We will go back on the 12th to check the status of the lining and follicles and make sure they are progressing. The status of the next appointment will determine our next quantities and strengths of medication. We were both so excited to hear that all looked “perfect” and that we were ready to being the stims!

I had another acupuncture appointment later in the afternoon. I have to say that it’s one of the best decisions that I’ve made regarding my health. I love the appointments. They are so relaxing and I've already seen benefits from the sessions. I’ll see the acupuncturist one or two more times before the retrieval and then again before we do the transfer. Even if all it’s doing is relaxing me, than it’s worth it.

Tomorrow is our last fundraising garage sale. As usual I have some amazing friends that have rose above and beyond to help us out. Mindy helped us haul all the items and sort them and price the new items. She’s even be here at 545a to help me set up and start the sale. Helen is working her pregnant butt off making signs and placing them around town for us. She even designed and ordered some amazing signs for the yard. Another pregnant pal, Stacy is coming to be our cashier. (Maybe surrounding myself with all these fertile women will help!) There are so many other people that are helping else that I could go on forever naming names. We are extremely lucky to have these people in our lives.

Watching Some Good Friends Scream “Let Me Out”…

2011-10-03T20:42:00.001-07:00

I’m currently 16 days out from my egg retrieval on the 19th of October. You might think at this point that I would be super excited except right now I’m super stressed and nervous and exhausted. I’ve stretched myself too thin this week. Saturday morning will be our final garage sale. We never planned to have two sales but because our friends are so generous with the items they donated we HAVE to have this second sale. We are going to empty out the storage unit in a couple of trips and then Mindy will help me go through it and price some of the new items. This sale we are pricing things to move fast. We will put $1 on all adult clothing $0.25 on kids clothing. We have a lot of baby items, home items, clothes and then a lot of random stuff. During all this I have my first ultrasound and E2 check and another acupuncture appointment. Then I have committed myself to making the decorations for my friend Helen’s baby shower. Thankfully she is very understanding so when I asked if her Mom would mind actually doing the decorating so that I don’t have to kill myself to make it from the sale to her shower location it wasn’t an issue. After this Saturday things should slow down and I can finally feel all this excitement that I think I should be feeling.

We had our injection class on Friday and I am feeling a lot better about giving myself the majority of the shots. The intramuscular progesterone in oil shots still worry be a bit because I can’t do them myself. Either John or Mindy will be doing those for me. Our coordinator even gave us a ton of samples that equal hundreds of dollars of medication. I was most excited to see 300 iu of Follistim in the bag of goodies. That’s only 2 of my 10 days of Follistim but we found out there is an extra 100iu in each cartridge so I will be able to buy less than we actually thought. Johnny was the only husband in the class but I’m still glad he was there with me. This IVF is as much about him as it is me. Plus having two people listening to the instructions is much better than just one.

As of this morning I have lost 30lbs. I’m extremely proud because I did this the healthy and natural way and it worked. It wasn’t easy by any means but I had such good motivation to do it and I think that helped. I am allowed to continue exercising until the transfer which could be the 24th of October. I am not supposed to be exercising to lost weight but to maintain the weight loss and to keep the heart pumping. My diet has also drastically changed since the shot class. In order to stay ahead of the OHSS a extremely high protein, no carb and whole fat diet was suggested by our coordinator. It’s a lot harder than I thought it would be but John is extremely helpful with suggestions on what I can eat and accommodating my limited diet. It’s almost impossible to eat out and grocery shopping is fun because if it’s not on the outer edge of store (Fresh product) then I’m not allowed to eat it. So tomorrow we are having Paprika and Beer Beef Stew without potatoes. I’m actually excited about this. We are also having Chicken Chili with lots of beans (protein) this week and chicken tacos except no shell for me. The other dish I am going to attempt is the Pioneer Woman’s favorite Roast recipe. John bought a rotisserie chicken for me at Fry’s tonight and cut all the white meat off for me. I can’t handle whole chickens and dark meat scares me so I am lucky that the husband loves me and is willing to butcher a chicken for me so that I have white meat to snack on for lunch for a few days. We picked up a lot of veggies and fruit because that’s allowed. The hardest part, honestly, is the full fat milk. I hate it. I am not a fan of milk in general but I’m doing it. I’m interested to see if my weight goes up, down or stays the same after changing my diet.

Where do you go, with your broken heart in tow?

2011-09-26T19:53:00.001-07:00

And what to do with the left over you? And how do you know, when to let go? Where does the good go?

There are two days a year that I allow myself to have a full breakdown complete with bathrobes and sobbing while watching cheesy television shows. One of those days happens to be September 25th. This is the anniversary of the death of my Mother. She’s been gone for four years now and it hasn’t gotten any easier to handle.

I think I had a harder time this year because we are starting the IVF next month. I really wish she was here for this. I can remember when I told her that our first RE said we wouldn’t be able to conceive on our own. My Mom wasn’t one for words and she had trouble talking to me about anything personal. I was so frustrated with her on the phone because she was struggling for words and kept saying “It’ll be fine, Julie Marie. It will.” I hung up thinking to myself that my mother didn’t get it. I didn’t know if it was her Catholic beliefs and she thought that it would work out if it was meant to be or she meant not having kids would be fine. I wanted scream at her “I’m broken MOM! I can’t function like a normal woman. Don’t you understand? You have four freaking kids, MOTHER!”. Instead, as usual, I replied in some snarky fashion that sure, whatever, I’ll be fine. By the time I pulled up in our driveway there was small plant on the porch. It was a yellow mini rosebush. I knew instantly that it was from my Mom. She loved yellow roses. There was a card in the planter that just said “Love, Mom”. When I saw it I knew she understood that nothing she said would make the pain easier. She couldn’t take away the frustration or pain or anger that I was feeling. She just wanted me to know she was there and she loved me. Sadly, a little over a year later she was gone.

Going through this IVF madness without my Mom has been crazy. Explaining to doctors that I don’t know the details of any of my Mom’s pregnancies or if she had any infertility issues is painful. Sometimes I broke down in tears after being asked the question. Wondering what I will do when I am pregnant and can’t call my Mom for advice or to ask questions is another thing that scares me. Knowing that my kids will never know their Grandma Jeanne? I look at my nephew, Ethan, and my heart breaks. My Mom LOVED babies. She would have gone nuts over him and showered him with love and gifts and affection. I think Grandmother would have been the greatest role for her.

There is a million reason that I miss my Mama. I live with a broken heart. Eventually the scar tissue might be strong enough that things won’t always cut so deep. Right now, and I’m sure all next month during my IVF, I just want my Mama.

I’m Not Here For You’re Entertainment.

2011-09-20T22:16:00.001-07:00

Ok, here’s the thing. I’ve been avoiding my blog. I have things to post but that’s not it. It’s because when I come to my blog I read other blogs and right now It’s a little “heavy”. The last two “real life” friends that I have that are infertile are now pregnant. Both of them have been trying for a lot less time than John and I. I am VERY HAPPY for them but it’s still hard to read about their own happiness. And I’m sure there will be a point that I will be able to post about how exciting and scary and wonderful it is to finally be pregnant and people won’t want to see my blog either. Right now I need to be selfish and tread lightly when it comes to these people. It’s like when my friend Faith announced she was adopting. I was thrilled for her but it stung that she was moving forward while I was still barely treading water in the infertile pond. Then Faith told me she was also pregnant and would have TWO babies within 6 months of each other. I lost it. I bawled and wonder “why not me?”. I was happy for her, truly and deeply happy but I was also heartbroken for myself. Another person was moving forward and I was not. So then in the last couple months my remaining infertile friends announced that they were pregnant I was thrilled and I was jealous all at the same time. It might not seem possible but you really can be happy for someone while wondering when it’s your turn. It might be hard to understand but I hope that those infertile friends are able to understand where I’m at. So it might take me a little longer to read your blog or comment on it. I might read it and then take two weeks to comment because I have to digest what I’m reading first, what I’m seeing and what I’m feeling. Please believe me I am thrilled, happy and beyond excited for all the infertiles that have moved over into breeder territory. I just need some time to dip my toes in and adjust to water before I dive in.

Not to mention that there are SOOOO MANY pregnant women in my life right now. Just here in Sierra Vista, in the circle of people I see on a semi regular basis there are six. There are at least six back in Michigan. It’s everywhere, everywhere but here. Most of these people are pregnant with their second child. TWO in the time we’ve been trying for one and FOR FREE! They didn’t have to pay over 10K and show their lady parts to half of Tucson.

Sunday morning I went to a baby shower for a friend. My first baby shower in a long time. I thought I would be more prepared because of the fact that my IVF is right around the corner. I was wrong. I walked into the shower with a good friend of mine and had to take a step back to the door and catch my breath. Four of the women (that I know of) were pregnant. Two of them about to pop, one right behind them and another who just announced her pregnancy. Big old baby bumps staring at me, conversations on childbirth, nurseries and doctors. I moved to the edge of the party and tried to avoid the baby conversations and enjoy the time with friends. At one point I had to bolt into the house and sit with a friend that isn’t a Mom yet and another who has two babies. Thankfully they weren’t talking pregnancy. I squished on her adorable baby girl and pinched her chubby cheeks and everything was right in the world. When the breeders started wobbling into the house for the gift openings I focused on that gorgeous little girl and the hope that one day I will have a beautiful baby to squish on. A friend asked me a question and I answered as honestly as I could, “I love babies! It’s the pregnant woman I have an issue with.” I’m sure it sounded bitchy and crazy but it’s as honest as I could be at the time.

P.S.

27lbs down and two weeks until I can’t attempt drastic loss. Hoping or another 5-7 lbs of loss in that time but I’d be happy with 3lbs.

Says She Should Be Used to This…

2011-09-11T19:01:00.001-07:00

Although I’m an infertile I already have two babies. They are four legged and furry but they are my first babies. Eoghan, the wonder pug, is almost 8 and Maddie Lou is almost 7. I love these dogs like people love their own children. When we vacation without them, I miss them. When they are sick I am beside myself with worry. When they are in good moods it always puts me a in a good mood. And when I’m upset they are usually the first to put a smile on my face. I’ve had failed IUI cycles where I’ve got the news while John was at work. My dogs know when I’m sad. Maddie curls up in my lap and Eoghan nuzzles his little fat head under my arm. They are amazing creatures.

So when I woke up this morning and noticed Maddie licking her feet more than usual I had to check her out. Poor girl had a few scabs healing on her back. I didn’t know what they were, they weren’t bothering her and they were healing. So I called to schedule her for a bath and flea dip. When we took her in the groomer said they looked exactly like healing fire ant bites. Apparently they are everywhere this time of year. Odd enough, John and I were closing up the pool for season and cleaning up the yard before he leaves and both were attacked by fire ants. So while Maddie was being pampered I called Mr. Bugman to schedule a spray of our yard first thing tomorrow. I bought her hydrocortisone spray and some bitter apple for her paws. (She’s got a bad habit of licking that came from allergies. The allergies are dealt with but the vet says she has dry skin and she has made it a habit. He’s always told us about the bitter apple but she’s usually good at stopping when we say “No lick!”.) When I picked her up the groomer said she has no fleas or mites, she knew she was update on all shots and medications so her only answer was the ants. She did reassure me and say they were healing and that Maddie didn’t seem to mind her scrubbing them at all. I know a groomer isn’t a vet so trust me I will be checking with the vet first thing in the am.

So we brought Maddie home, rubbed her back down with the hydrocortisone and sprayed her feet with bitter apple. She didn’t mind any of it until she tried to lick her paw. She tasted the bitter apple and gave me the dirtiest look. I talked to her for almost 15 minutes giving her the same “we do these things because we love you” speech my parents gave to me. (Yes, I talk to my animals like people.) I have googled more info and looked at some gross pictures but nothing seems to match with her other than healing bites. I never realized dogs scabs are black. Needless to say it makes me so sad to know I missed the bites until this point and that she must have been in pain. It makes sense because she is notorious for rolling and rubbing her back on the ground. The bites are on her back and on her bootie. I swear my heart breaks for her and she is acting like nothing is wrong. I can’t wait to talk to vet and have her seen to know for sure.

If I worry this much over my furry babies what is going to happen when I have a baby!

Wishing Only Wounds the Heart…

2011-09-08T21:15:00.001-07:00

Nothing much is going on in the land of McShane. I’ve been reading Wicked, Son of Witch and I ordered A Lion Among Men. I also downloaded the Wicked soundtrack. I’m getting ready for the show in December. I figure if I’ve read Phantom and Les Miserables then why not Wicked. I need to be prepared. I also forewarned the Dad that I NEED a flying monkey. I’ve been made aware that I can buy one at the show and I WILL have one. It’s a must.

We got news late last night and the details this afternoon that John will be leaving for a month on a mandatory detail. While we are not happy about this but we are trying to think of the positive aspects. He will be home in time for the final ultrasound before IVF and he will be there on the day of the egg retrieval. Also, this is a 6 day week he will be working so the extra money will help with all the extra expenses that are popping up from IVF, mainly acupuncture. And, if/when our IVF is successful we will be able to purchase some items for the wee little one. Thankfully he won’t be that far from home so I will be able to stop and visit him on the days I am up there for appointments and make a stop on his birthday.

Our trip to Michigan is booked. We will spend a week in Mexico and then a week in Michigan with family. Possibly a trip to Indiana to visit the brother and the nurse he calls his wife. I just call her Katie Catherine. I’m looking forward to both trips and having some time to see our friends and family. We never have close to enough time to see everyone but at least we make an effort.

In Uterus news, I hate the BCP that I am on. It makes me very easily annoyed (more than usual which is scary) and it gives me migraines and causes break outs and retention of excess water. Regardless I am holding at 25lbs of weight loss. I am confident I will make it to 30lbs by the end of October. I am still doing acupuncture bi weekly and taking my Chinese Herbs. In addition to that I take a handful of other prescriptions and vitamins. October 5th is when I start my injections and the stronger hormones. At least John won’t be here to see my head spin from the mood swings I’ve heard so much about. Mindy has been asked to be my stand in nurse/husband/mother for the time John is gone. She is going to help me with the shots that I can’t administer myself. She was quite gleeful at the idea of “torturing” me. I might want to be worried about that. She also graciously offered to take some of the trips to Tucson with me to keep me calm and bring her boys to keep me entertained. So everything is still in on the books and even though Johnny won’t be there for all of it he will be there for the big appointments. John’s Mom is also booked to come visit and support us from the 18th until the 25th. She’ll get to see me all drugged up on the day of retrieval and hopefully giddy with hope and excitement on the 24th. John will be able to go back to work sooner and save more time off for paternity leave when our IVF works.

Rumor Has it She Ain’t Got Your Love Anymore…

2011-09-01T11:13:00.003-07:00

Let’s take a moment and stray from the state of my uterus and talk about my teeth. I have a very real fear of the dentist. As a kid I had a dentist that would pinch your nose so you couldn’t breath if you moved. A few years later the USPS switched to a dental insurance that only allowed you to go to one chop shop. There I had even worse experiences. I had three people sit on me during a filling. I told the dentist multiple times that my mouth wasn’t numb. He called me a little brat and told me to stop acting like a baby. After that I flat out refused to go to dentist.

After a couple years of flat our refusal to go my Dad stepped in. His dentist was also a friend of his and knew my fear. So the Dad sent me off to Dr. McLean who set my dental nerves at ease. He worked with me to make me comfortable and was willing to use the gas to calm me even for cleanings. He had treated my Dad for awhile and kept telling me how similar my teeth were to my fathers. (Not sure if that is good or bad.) I trusted him and only him with my teeth. So when he told me my wisdom teeth needed to be removed I told him he’d have to do it because my ass wasn’t going to anyone else. He removed them two at a time in his office. The first time my Dad took me. Dr. M got me hooked up to the gas and started chatting with my Dad about hockey or golf or something of that nature. Once I mumbled “Watch out here comes my legs” it was time to get started. The only thing I remember is his wife, who was his assistant at the time, showing me my teeth and asking me if I wanted to keep them to make earrings out of. I think she was kidding. (I hope she was.) Dr. M was also the one who noticed how badly I grind my teeth. And not just when I’m sleeping but all the time. My mouth is clenched and grinding. He made me a bite splint that I have successfully chewed through over the last few years.

Then we moved to Arizona. I had to find a new dentist. Lovely. I knew it would be impossible to find a dentist that treated me as well as Dr. M. I kind of put off looking. So after 2 years with no dentist I finally made an appointment. They dentist saw me white knuckling the chair just for an exam and decided that for my next two appointments he would give me valium. So when I went to have a cavity filled I tried the valium. No go. I was a hot mess. I survived the appointment but there was no way I was going back for the cleaning. NOT GONNA HAPPEN! So here it is a year later that I have pushed the appointment back month after month. Finally my RE told me that I HAD to go prior to the IVF because any bacteria in my mouth could hinder the IVF. So I sucked it up and made the appointment for this morning.

I took my valium last night as prescribed. No luck. I was up until 4 am stressing and then had to be awake at 7am to take my double dose one hour prior to the appointment. So with three hours of sleep I took the pills and climbed into Mindy’s car. (John was at work and I am not allowed to drive on valium.) So off we went to the dentist. I was a little loopy in the waiting room. Having trouble focusing and I thought that was a good thing. Sadly it wore off the minute I sat down in the chair. My fear took over and I was a hot mess. The first part with the flossing and polishing of the teeth wasn’t terrible. I was fine when the dentist came to tell me I had no cavities. I lost it when Stacy came in to do the deep cleaning on my teeth. Some crazy metal scraper that vibrated and shot water out and hurt like hell. I had to ask her to stop so I could put my head phones in. Even with the distraction I still shook like crazy. She had to stop three times to remind me to breath and to get me to stop shaking. When that was over she used the traditional scraper to get things the torture pick missed. That wasn’t so bad but my gums and teeth hurt so bad. I had blood all over my face and the stupid paper bib. OUCH. 2 hours later and my mouth still hurts. She said it will for most the day. I have to go back in 6 weeks to check the progress of my gums and how they are healing.

Moral of the story:
No matter how well you brush and floss you still have to go to the stupid dentist. Sure, I had no cavities from brushing and flossing but my mouth was still a wreck from skipping the dentist for 3 years. Had I kept my yearly appointments I could have avoided the evil pick of doom. NEVER AGAIN. I’ll go for cleanings every 3 months if I can avoid this being done. We also learned that they will use gas for all future appointments because the valium wears off the minute I see the dental tools.

If you stuck with me and read this diatribe about my dental fears and appointments than thank you. Pat yourself on the back. Sadly you’ll never get those last 10 minutes of your life back. For that I apologize.

Someday Low Notes Fade Away...

2011-08-30T18:35:00.002-07:00

My friend Sarah posted this on my Facebook today. Johnny and I got a good laugh from it. And I’d have to say, it’s very true!

I Was Sure I Was Growing Pain… Like Lead in My Feet

2011-08-29T20:28:00.001-07:00

In preparation for the IVF and in hopes of preventing OHSS I have to increase my electrolyte consumption. I’m also supposed to limit my sugar and I’m allergic to most artificial sweeteners. Makes the hunt for a electrolyte beverage rather difficult. A friend who went through IVF with the same RE recommended Electro Mix by Emergen C. I was able to find it on Amazon and ordered three boxes. Last time we were up in Tucson, while I was at my acupuncture appointment, John went to Sunflower Market and bought an addition box to tide me me over until Amazon shipped our order. It’s actually not bad at all and mixes up a liter at a time. I drink it through the day and then right before bed I refill my Nalgene bottle, add the power packet and stick it in the fridge until the morning. It only comes in Lemon Lime flavor though and I wanted to find an alternative flavor or product for when I’m sick of Lemon Lime. That’s when found Nuun (Noon) and feel in love. So far I have only tried the Tri Berry and Lemon Lime flavors but it’s fabulous. There are 9 other flavors and I think I will be ordering more of them very soon. Plus Nuun contains sodium which is good for combating OHSS where the other product does not. So I plan to use them both on a daily basis leading up to the ER and ET. I’m happy to find sugar free electrolyte beverages that taste good and don’t give me a migraine from the fake sugar. Win Win!

I’m so excited for October for our IVF but I’m also excited for December! We are heading to Mexico for a week and to Michigan for a week. And while we are home my Dad and I are going to see Wicked! I’ve wanted to see it for ages but haven’t been able to catch it because I’m either out of town or it’s sold out! So when I saw it was going to be in Detroit while we were home I had to text my Dad. I offered to pay if he would pick them up. The next day he responded with a message that said “Tickets in hand. Save your milk money”. So I get to save my pennies and see Wicked with my Dad! I cannot wait.

Not much else is going on around here. We head to the gym most days and then come home and make dinner together. Not that exciting. Every week there is some kind of appointment for us. John and I go to a chiropractor bi weekly and I see the acupuncturist on the opposite weeks so we always have something going on though it’s not always the most exciting. I think all of September will be like this. Once we hit October it’s a lot busier, more appointments and medication schedules. At least we are getting closer to our IVF.

OH! On Saturday I walked a 5k with a couple of my friends. One is 23 weeks pregnant and the other was pushing her son in a stroller. We weren’t running or going for times but it will still fun to get out and move. Talking with friends makes the distance seem that much shorter and time went by quickly. My only issue was the damn butterflies that kept showing up on our walk. I almost lost it a few times but I survived. My goal was to keep up with the pregnant lady and I did. Mission accomplished.

Bubble Pop Electric…

2011-08-24T22:42:00.001-07:00

Please forgive my post titles. 99% of them are song lyrics and are usually a song that is stuck in my head at the time I am typing. Music has always been a huge part of my life and I use it to match my moods, for comfort or support or just to enjoy. So if you ever wonder why my title rarely relates to my postings you now know.

Yesterday John and I went to tour our local health and racquet club. (More for the health than the racquet.) They gave us each a trial pass to use the facility but we were both sold after the tour. We’ve waited over four years to join a gym so we knew what we were looking for. We both liked that it reminded us of the YMCA we used back in Michigan. My favorite part is the Ladies Only area that is downstairs. It only has a few treadmills and a couple ellipticals and then some free weights and a few weight machines. I’m still a bit self conscious about working out so it works well for me. The place is huge and has a ton of different areas designated for different workouts. I love that every class is included in your membership price. There are a lot of options and the first that I will be trying is Power Yoga on Tuesday. I am considering hiring a personal trainer for the next few weeks before IVF but I haven’t made up my mind just yet. Only because my RE has limited the types of exercise that he wants me to do. The girl who filled out the paperwork with us highly recommends the Power Yoga and I wanted to take a yoga class so it worked out well. The best part is that we caught a 2 for 1 sale so the membership is very affordable. Especially compared to the other big gym in town.

Tomorrow is my second acupuncture appointment. I have been sold on the wonders of acupuncture and TCM. The only thing that I wish had worked better was the points she hit for my Fibro. I am going to talk to her about it tomorrow and see if there is anything that she can do for that. Last week was miserable for me and I felt like I was run over by a semi truck. Since we are making the 3 hour round trip drive for acupuncture we are also going to the movies so I can FINALLY see the Help. (I hope it’s as amazing as the book!) Plus tomorrow is my cheat day so we will be having dinner at PF Changs. Surprisingly the dishes we regularly order are not terrible so it could seem like waste of a cheat day. I’m ok with that because it’s probably my favorite restaurant.

Today is officially CD1 which means that we are now beginning our IVF protocol. I talked to my IVF Coordinator today and I will take BCP starting on Sunday and will continue to take them until the 2nd of October. After that it’s the stimulating medications, trigger shots and egg retrieval. I only hope that September flies by because I am really anxious and excited to get to the retrieval and transfer!

I’ve Made Up My Mind, Don’t Need to Think it Over…

2011-08-22T20:56:00.001-07:00

So we have officially received our IVF medical protocol for this October. Saying that we are excited is a bit of an understatement. Having the scheduled and list of medications right in front of us just makes it that more real. This is finally happening. We are really moving forward with our IVF!

Starting on Cycle Day 1, which will be anytime this week, I will start taking the birth control pills. Nothing exciting happens all of September because I’m still taking birthday control. I will stop the pills on October 2nd. This day also happens to be my baseline ultrasound. If everything is ok than we move forward with the stimulating medications and hormones plus antibiotics. After looking at my spreadsheet that my IVF coordinator prepared for me I realized that I will be taking 10 different medications not including the vitamins and supplements. Not all of them are injections but 5 of them are and that’s a lot! I actually am not worried at all about those. I hear the progesterone in oil shots are the worst and that had me worried for a minute but honestly it’s all worth it if we can finally conceive.

The prescriptions were called into the pharmacy that neighbors my RE’s office. Holly, my coordinator, told me that I will pick them up after each appointment so that I only pay for what we need. Considering how expensive they are I am grateful for that. She had told me that she might be getting some Follistism samples in and that would lower my medication cost. After she emailed me the protocol today I asked her about the samples. She did get them and had already set some aside for me. That makes me VERY happy.

September will probably seem like an eternity for me as we prepare for the hectic month of October. But, we are working on the next garage sale so that we can sell the left over items and hopefully make a little more money for our IVF. September is hard month for me anyway. I dread it like people dread tax season. September used to be a great month, John’s birthday and the start of fall in Michigan. Now it will always be the month my Mom had her stroke and the day she died. This year I hope that it is a bit easier to swallow because I have so much to look forward to the next month. If we are able to transfer on the 24th and all goes well we could have a positive home pregnancy test as early as our anniversary, October 31st and the positive blood test on November 4th. (Let’s hope all goes well!)

December will be a good month because not only are we going home for a visit but we are spending a week in Mexico. John says this is his first “real” vacation in years. He only counts real vacations as ones that have oceans. He’s a water boy and loves anything that has to do with water, especially oceans. We are hoping to spend about 7 or 8 days in Michigan once we return from Mexico. The rest of my year is all planned out for us. Let’s just hope I will be able to spend my trip home as a expectant mother!

Repeat, Repeat the Words that We Both Just Said...

2011-08-19T18:47:00.001-07:00

I have food issues. I'll be the first to admit it. I have a love hate relationship with food. I had a stepfather that called me fat and placed fat camp ads on my door as a kid. I WASN'T even over weight back then! I didn't become over weight until after I graduated from high school. I still wore kids sizes in Junior High and was of average size in High School. I have always been busty. I was a 34B in 7th grade and they keep growing ever since. I was so close to getting a reduction in High School but my Mom talked me out of it. She was also a busty woman and saw no reason for me to reduce them. Not to mention that in my Mom's families you stay busty even if you lose weight and even if you get a reduction they always come back! Anyway, back to my weight. So as I've gotten older, feel in love and married, I've packed on more pounds. After my Mom died in 2007 I rose to my highest weight of my life. John was very supportive in helping me eat better and to exercise and I was able to lose some of the weight. I've never lost more than 10lbs at a time and I would usually gain a few back and then start over again. The issue is that I LOVE FOOD. I also hate most every type of food. I am the worlds pickiest eater. When I say that I eat the same five things I am not kidding. I know what I like and I would eat what I like. I'm not adventurous when it comes to food. I don't enjoy trying new things and if I don't like something I will not force myself to eat it. This makes eating healthy and issue because most healthy food taste like crap, I have food texture issues, I'm allergic to artificial sweeteners and shell fish and I break out in hives at the site of any other fish. So when I was told I had to lose at least 20lbs before starting my IVF I was worried. Even John was scared for me. Seeing a nutritionist helped a lot but wasn't the quick fix. She wanted me to expand my diet and even said I was the pickiest eater she had ever met. I'd like to state of the record that I did try to eat the things she suggested. But when it came down to it, if I don't like what I'm eating I just won't eat. That is the WORST possible thing I could do. So I had to learn to eat what I liked but to learn about portions and to learn how to shave some fat, calories and carbs from the things I liked.

The first thing I did was cut out fried foods. I was shocked to see how much fried food I ate. Gross. Then I gave up soda. I lost 5lbs in the first week with no fried food and no soda. That shows how bad those foods were for me. So from there I had to work with John (a plethora of knowledge about health food) to find options and we decided to cut down the amount of red meat that we consumed. So almost 5 days a week we eat chicken and the other two we eat red meat. (Did I mention I don't like turkey in any form that isn't sandwich slices or Thanksgiving turkey? And when I say Thanksgiving I mean only on Turkey Day and only when fried. There goes that. I also don't like pork other than bacon or sausage, you know, the two worst kinds for you.) So we started making recipes that called for ground beef with ground chicken. Sometimes it works and sometimes it is terrible but you live and learn. We've found that we love Chicken burgers, chicken tacos, chicken burritos and the list goes on. We also grill a lot of chicken breast. I still have red meat when I want a steak or when I want spaghetti. Cutting down the amount of red meat made a huge change for me. Next up was carbs. Oh how I love carbs. When I was a silly youth and decided to be vegetarian I thought that meant only eating carbs. Whoops. But seriously I LOVE potatoes, pastas and breads. So cutting them out was going to be tough. So we started cutting them down. I skip the rolls at restaurants and the bread from Olive Garden. Then I switched to Steamed Veggies instead of baked potatoes. Now I'm at the point were I am 60 days away from my Egg Retrieval. Carbs are bad for PCOSers and lower egg quality. So the tough work begins.

Instead of sandwich's I roll my shaved turkey into a piece of cheese. At dinner I ordered a chicken sandwich and took it off the bun and ate all the goodies (onion, lettuce and tomato) and the chicken breast and just skipped the bun. It was still fabulous and the only reason I missed the bun was because it contains the mess from the sandwich. I didn't miss the flavor or the taste at all. Then I got ride of one of my favorite things, tortilla chips. One of my favorite places to eat is Buffalo Wild Wings. Instead of the chips I started getting their Veggie Boat. It's carrots, celery and ranch. I still get the ranch but instead of ranch with a bit of veggies I barely use the ranch.

I'm not eating perfect by any means but I am eating better and that is what counts. It's making a visible difference in my body and the way I feel. The best is when people other than myself or John are able to see that I have lost weight. I hope these efforts improve my egg quality and improve our chance of IVF. If they don't I will at least have a healthier body, heart and attitude toward food.

My RE told me "Food is not pleasure, food is fuel." I don't agree with him. The trick is finding food that is fuel but also is pleasurable to eat and still good for you body.

I Don’t Like the Drugs but the Drugs Like Me…

2011-08-15T20:19:00.001-07:00

In the world of infertility you become an expert at time. Counting it, passing it, and just getting through it. So in extreme infertility fashion I will report that our Egg Retrieval is 9 weeks and 1 day away. October 19th seems years away right now! I’m sure it’s going to fly past and we will wonder where the time went but right now… hurry up!

In less than two weeks I will begin taking Birth Control pills. This is the first step in IVF and will be done to clear out any cysts and to extend my cycle for better timing. After that I am clueless. My IVF coordinator will be emailing me my drug protocol sometime this week. I have seen examples and have an idea of what is to come but that doesn’t mean that I have really any clue what I am getting myself in to. Multiple injectable medications in addition to antibiotics, oral hormones and a few others. John will also be placed on antibiotics prior to the retrieval and transfer. Hopefully I respond well to the medication and have many follicles to retrieve for fertilization. Ideally we would like multiple follicles so there are some for transfer and some to freeze for future cycles. I’ve already been warned that I may not be able to transfer on the 24th like we have scheduled. Our RE is very concerned with OHSS and it is likely that this will happen to me. The RE will not transfer if I have OHSS because the transfer amplifies the symptoms of OHSS and also lessens our chances that the embryo would successfully implant. He has warned both John and I that these medications could cause me to be hospitalized because of my PCOS. PCOS and hyper stimulating medications often result in OHSS. We are going to do everything we can to combat this by increasing my electrolytes around the time I begin the stims. Sadly I can’t drink the sports drinks that most would because they are so high in sugar and sugar is bad for PCOS and could result in lower egg quality. So a friend recommended a powdered electrolyte that you mix with water and that contains no sugar. Only issue is we can’t find them anywhere down here or in Tucson! So we are searching the internet in hopes of finding this product.

Other big decisions are bring made. The biggest being the number of embryos that we would transfer. In the event that I respond well to the meds and our follicles are fertilized we have the options of implanting 1 or 2 embryos. Obviously two would give us a higher chance of success and also a higher chance of multiples. We are both ok with twins but anything more than that is a bit hard to wrap our minds around not to mention the health risks for all involved. The main issue our RE sees is the fact that I have twins on both sides of my family. Both are natural sets of twins which means that are risk of multiples is higher than most. We will discuss this at length with our coordinator and RE at our first appointment prior to IVF. Currently John and I are leaning towards the transfer of two embryos but we are open to all input and information. Hopefully we will be on the same page as our RE before the cycle begins.

It’s impossible to describe how excited we both are right now but at same time we are extremely nervous. There is always the chance that it won’t work or that there could be complications because of the medications. In the mean time we are moving forward with hope and excitement in our hearts.

New Layout!

2011-08-13T20:31:00.001-07:00

Well the new layout is up and running and I love it! I would highly recommend Kreated by Kelsey Blog Designs! If you or anyone you know is looking to redesign their blog and have a custom layout created than move on over to Kreated by Kelsey. She did such a great job and kept in constant contact with me. We had a few setbacks when the designer of some elements that I liked wouldn’t contact her back but she was persistent up on until the person wanted to over charge me. Thankful Kelsey told me how ridiculous the price was and I got a design I like even better! I am in love with the new layout and I hope you guys like it. Please let me know what you think!

Thank you Kelsey!!!

It finally happened... I'm slightly mad!

2011-08-11T23:25:00.001-07:00

1) Kelsey is almost done with my blog layout and I love it! Just a change to two of the fonts and it will be all set. I cannot wait to get it up and running.

2) IVF is officially scheduled! Our official schedule and drug protocol will be emailed to us no later than next week. We are scheduled for egg retrieval on October 19th. We were told to pick a date between the 19-22 off October. I like odd numbers and Steve Yzerman's number was, is and will always be 19. As long as I respond well to the meds it will be done on that day. Currently we are scheduled for the transfer to be on the 24th. That date is tentative because there is a very good chance, that with my PCOS, I will have Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome. In that situation all the embryos will be frozen and we will do a frozen transfer the following month.

Excited doesn't even describe us right now.

won’t you just stay with me one more day…

2011-08-09T21:17:00.001-07:00

Not a whole lot going on in my world as of late and yet at the same time there is ton that I am working on and hope to share soon. It’s such a chaotic time for us and yet I think I may be the most peaceful I have been in a long time. Go figure.

I am starting acupuncture tomorrow. I can’t decide if I am nervous, excited or both… I have a couple of friends that swear by it and my RE highly recommends it so we are giving it a try. There are studies that show that acupuncture and Traditional Chinese Medicine are very effective in the treatment of infertility and can aid the “modern medical” treatments that we are doing or will be doing.

Still working with Kelsey on the original layout for this blog. The images and design that I liked would have cost an additonal $60 and it seemed a bit ridiculous to both me and Kelsey that the designer would ask for that much when most people charge $5. I think I found an alternate but I need to sleep on it to be 100% sure that it is what I want.

I am down 20lbs from my starting weight in May. I am hoping to lose at least another 10lbs by October. Starting to walk on the treadmill twice a day but some days it’s just not in the cards. Cutting out soda, lowering my sugar and cutting out carbs has proved to be the best option when trying to lose weight. I lost the first 10lbs in less than 10 days with no exercise from that. Eating better is difficult but so worth it if it makes me healthier or helps us to conceive. I even have a few great friends that have offered to walk with me on different nights to keep me company and keep me motivated. I’m also looking into a 5k that is coming up that benefits the local Karate place that my friends have their kids in. I would be walking it with my friends Stacy and Becky. I’m nowhere near being able to run it yet so I decided to latch onto the pregnant lady, Stacy, and hope to keep up. If I can’t keep up with her than I might as well stay on the couch with some Twizzlers and watch stupid reality TV shows. Sorry Stacy but my goal for the walk is just to keep up with you and Baby Girl Monty that is in your belly. Hope that’s ok!

I want it all. And I want it now.

2011-08-06T19:02:00.000-07:00

Anyone know of an eccentric millionaire that would like to give us $5-7k so that we can move forward with our IVF this October? Seriously leaning towards a personal loan to cover the balance. Every month that we wait bring me further down in this spiral of depression. The fact that we have spent tens of thousands of dollars and have yet to produce even the slightest bit of hope is wrecking us. John and I are discussing scheduling the procedure and having that date set and then coming up with the money any way we possibly can. That at least might give us that hope that it will happen. Right now it feels like a dream that may or may not come to fruition. We both need some hope at this point that we will get through this, that I will get pregnant and that we will be parents.

The layout and new design for my blog is being delayed while we wait for permission from the product designer. I really had my heart set on the design that I choose so I hope that Kelsey can get in contact with them soon.

I know my screaming and shouting won’t keep you…

2011-08-02T20:13:00.004-07:00

And the hits just keep on coming…
Have you ever had one of those days where every where you turn it’s bad news, disappointment or insults? That seems to be the day that I am having. I now see why people delete Facebooks, stop answering their phones or reading texts. I can’t get a break today!'

BP wives of this station are breeding like a bunch of rabbits. Most of them are on their second or third kid in the time that we have been trying for one. Being the odd one out with the busted baby maker is harder to take at some times than others. Today is just one of those days. Let’s not even get to the subject of friends from Michigan that are currently pregnant or just had children and my non BP friends that are pregnant. I’ve never known so many pregnant woman in my life. And seeing as I’m married to a member of the Pattenaude family and I’m part of the Leroux family, I’ve known a lot of pregnant people. Don’t get me wrong. A lot of people announce their pregnancy and I’m thrilled for them. Especially for my infertile friends but even for those that are on their second and third kids. Sometimes though I just want to scream and say “When the hell is it my turn?” and “Why do I have to pay thousands of dollars and wait years for a baby and they don’t"?”. It’s not uncommon for me to break down in tears at the mention of another person getting pregnant. I will admit that a lot of it is jealousy and in no way am I ashamed of that. In my position and what I have gone thru I figure I have the right to be jealous sometimes. As long as I balance my jealousy with true happiness for others that are pregnant than I think I am doing ok. Cut me some some slack. I’m walking around with a broken heart and I feel that I am missing a part of myself. Honestly and truly that is how I feel.

And while I am on the subject let’s talk about what baby showers are like for me and other infertiles. It feels like a punch in the gut mixed with swallowing something very nasty and bitter. Sitting for hours and celebrating what you do not and may never have. It’s a very uncomfortable situation. Before people knew that I was infertile it was even harder because you constantly had people asking why you didn’t have kids and when you planned to have them. So if I make it to your baby shower it’s a combination of the fact that I am truly happy for you and I am attempting to conquer my anxiety of being an infertile amongst breeders and that I’m probably having a very good day. (Or I’m drunk. Though that never happens because we infertile woman don’t get to drink because it could comprise a cycle and then you think what if I hadn’t had a drink would this have been my month.) At the same if I don’t go to your shower please forgive me. I’m in a bad place and don’t want to bring others down with me. No one should have to live in a constant state of disappointment and heartbreak and why me-ness. It’s not just me being selfish. It’s really what’s best for all of us. (This does not apply to a baby shower that I may be going to on Saturday. Currently we only have one car but I am trying to go or find a person to ride with. I do want to be there. This post is not an excuse for that.)

So let it be written… So let it be done.

2011-07-30T16:38:00.001-07:00

One of the things I’ve found hardest about writing a blog is the act of trying to protect everyone's feeling. Especially now that I know multiple friends from our little circle here in town are reading this. I had to think long and hard before sharing the address with people because of the fear that something I have said or will say may offend someone, hurt their feelings or be take the wrong way all together. The important thing to remember when reading this blog is that it’s my personal thoughts and feelings. It’s almost like a journal or a diary and at times it contains my most intimate thoughts. At the same time I am opening up my heart and mind to all of you and sharing it with you. I could attempt to edit my thoughts but I choose not to. The focus of this blog is our lives and what we struggle with while trying to conceive a child. It’s a roller coaster ride of sadness, anger, helplessness and frustration mixed with a bit of hope and the occasional good day. I’m glad that people are interested in sharing this ride with us and for that I will be forever grateful. So I’ve decided to continue sharing the way I always have regardless of how other may perceive it.

Infertility isn’t a pretty thing. At times it brings out the very worst in me. It makes me seem like the worlds most negative person, a downer and a complainer. Trust me, if you walked a mile in our infertile shoes you wouldn’t be all sunshine and rainbows either. This isn’t an excuse as much as a warning. I won’t edit my thoughts to make other feel better and I won’t do it to make myself look better either. I know that I can be down right miserable when it comes to this chapter of our lives. That doesn’t mean that I am in a constant state of misery either. I’ve even been know to smile through the pain.

So if you’re willing to stick with us through the hard times you might be around to witness the happiest moment of our lives. The moment when we overcome the battle with infertility and become parents. It can be done. I just wish I knew when.

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."
— Martin Luther King Jr.

I don’t know how you can have sweet dreams…

2011-07-26T21:17:00.003-07:00

How can you be angry when you sitting in a waiting room that looks like this…

or this…

There is even a fish tank! John thought we were in the wrong office. Hutch has a waiting room that is so opposite from our old RE that it’s natural to think we were lost. The most amazing part is that I’ve never had more than one other person in the waiting room with me at any given time. And when that did happen it was only for 15 minutes when I was early for my appointment. It’s calm, quite and rather relaxing. (I’m thinking that is because of the fish tank.) We used to show up to our appointments with Dr. G and have at least 5 other people in the room with us. There was always a annoying radio blaring from under the fake treat and usually at least one screaming kid.

I might be wrong but I thought bringing a child into an infertility office was a bit tacky. If you want your doctor to see the baby he helped to bring into this world than send a picture and write a note or call and ask what a good time to bring the baby is before or after hours or during lunch. You know, those times were us infertile people are forced to stare at your child while inside our hearts are breaking because you’ve achieved our ultimate dream. It’s a bit like rubbing it in. And if you are there for an appointment because you are trying to conceive another I would suggest finding a babysitter. Please.

I’ve had 24 hours to adjust to the fact that we won’t be doing any assisted cycles between now and our IVF. I was a little disappointed and slightly annoyed that we have to put all our eggs into the IVF basket. I understand it will yield the best results and that our chances are great. Just because I understand it doesn’t mean I like it. Same with the fact that ideally I need to lose about 30 more pounds. It won’t be easy or fun but it is something that will help us to finally have our dream come true and allow us to be parents.

So now it’s on to more fundraising attempts and scrounging up the final $5,000 that we need to do this IVF. Anyone have that under their couch cushions or mattress that we could borrow?

The State of the Uterus Address

2011-07-25T22:01:00.000-07:00

Sorry to interrupt your regularly scheduled boring blog post but I am bringing you the State of the Uterus Address...
First of all there are some big changes going on for me and this little blog. John and I finally agreed on a name for the blog and paid the whooping $10 to register the domain name. Over the last few months when John and I talk about the IVF, doctors appointments or our plans of action we have a war room discussion that ends with the Sate of the Uterus Address. We make sure we are on the same page and agree about where we are moving next. The main goal is to have a baby inhabiting in my uterus in 2012. So the final name is State of the Uterus. We like it and that's what matters.

Second I am talking to a blog designer about doing a custom layout for the blog. I talked to a few different people but I really like a friends on here and the designer is very affordable so I am currently working with Kreated by Kelsey to have an original layout made for this little blog. Hopefully to streamline it a little bit and give it a cleaner look.

Third and I say this as kindly as possible but please stop telling me that we need to relax, take a vacation or stop trying. We've been married and trying to conceive for almost eight years. Some where in those eight years we've been relaxed, we've been on vacation and we've given up on trying. It may have worked for your friend or cousin or maid or someone you know but it's not what is going to work for us. We've spent copious amounts of time, money and energy trying to get pregnant. If it was as easy as relaxing or giving up on trying it would have happened, Reproductive Endocrinologist wouldn't have a job and I'd have about 8 kids by now. I appreciate that people care enough to ask and to want to be involved but hearing that wears on you after a few times. I have multiple medical reasons as to why I can't conceive without the help of assisted reproductive technologies. I wish this wasn't that case but it is and I have come to terms with it.

Finally the update from today's visit with Dr. Hutch. John finally met him and I do believe he is planning their BFF tattoos. They were two peas in a pod. We are still at a loss regarding the mid cycle bleeding issues. There are two things it could be and there really is no way to know which it is. The first would be because my estrogen levels are dropping right before ovulation which causes the lining to shed. The second cause could be the act of ovulation itself. According to Hutch ovulation is a violent act that does cause bleeding from the ovary. Because of the ovarian drilling procedure preformed by my previous doctor my ovaries are now encased in scar tissue along with the adhesions from my pelvic adhesive disease. It should not cause any additional issues with my fertility. We then discussed doing an IUI vs waiting and doing and IVF. Hutch is against us doing an IUI. He told me that if I was his daughter he would tell me not to waste my money. His reasons were my pelvic adhesive disease, the PCOS and the previous surgery on my ovaries. The pelvic adhesive disease has caused adhesions and scar tissue to grow around my ovaries and into my uterus. My ovaries, according to Hutch, look like they are encased in thick cellophane bags because of the previous surgery. On top of all that my PCOS causes insulin resistance which reduces the quality of the eggs greatly. So even if I produced a few eggs they would be of low quality and they would have a miserable time releasing because of the scar tissue and adhesions and finally the adhesions in the uterus would be a road block to sperm. So we moved on to the IVF discussion. Before I can do an IVF I need to continue to lose weight which will get my insulin levels in check and increase the quality of my eggs. During IVF Hutch will retrieve the follicles from my ovaries by inserting a needle through all the scar tissue and into the ovary. Dr. Hutch isn't worried about my adhesions in the uterus causing issue because the egg will fertilized and then implanted as an embryo directly into the uterine lining. At that point we are pregnant until proven otherwise. As long as the little embryo sticks, and it has at least a 50% chance of doing so, we will have conceived. We discussed another surgery to clear out the adhesions in the uterus and ovaries but Hutch would prefer we don't go that route. His reasoning is that another surgery will only cause more scar tissue and while removing the old adhesions may seem helpful it will only cause more of them to return. Fun, fun, fun!

So we are going to move forward and focus only on IVF. I am going to focus on losing more weight and eating better foods. We will continue to save money and do fundraisers to raise the remaining $5000 that we need to do the IVF. If it means begging, borrowing and selling all my possessions that this is what it takes. We want to move forward with this IVF and the sooner the better.

I believe I'm done rambling and butchering all the grammar that I learned from my favorite English teacher.

all I ever wanted was to finish what I started...

2011-07-25T00:16:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, or rather today I will be going to see Dr. H for the second time. 10 hours and 50 minutes if his office is running on time. HAHA. Do any doctors, especially fertility doctors and reproductive endocrinologist run on time? At least he's got that posh waiting room with the relaxing fish tank. We are going in there tomorrow to discuss IVF and IUI plus my random cycles, mid cycle spotting and clotting issues, the fact that I'm not pregnant but I am 11 days late and weight loss. Sounds like a fun morning. (No wonder they never run on time.) Here's the thing, I'm nervous. I'm scared out of my mind that my small weight loss so far won't be enough. I'm scared something is majorly wrong with my damn uterus. I was so excited to finally have a regular cycle and that lasted a few months. Then the spotting and clotting issues started. Now the 43 day cycle that has no end it site. Seriously uterus, what did I ever do to you? We still have to wait while we save money before an IVF is even possible. Frankly, I don't want to spend $10,000 on this IVF until my uterus is behaving. Who knows how long that is going to take. If we can get things in order we want to do an IUI or two before the IVF while we are saving the money. I want to see that I'm at least going to respond to the medications and have a better response than we have with just the oral medications. Why is infertility so damn expensive and take so long?

Tune in tomorrow for my State of the Uterus Address.

maybe then I could sleep at night...

2011-07-18T22:43:00.000-07:00

A few people seemed shocked that we have yet to do an IUI with injectable medication. Here's the scoop...
My old doctor, while he was a kind man with an amazing taste in shoes, was very set in his ways. Each and every one of my cycles with him was always a cookie cutter version of the last. The only changes we ever did was increase in the same old meds or the big change when we switched from Clomid to Femara. We literally never changed up the day of trigger, amount of trigger medication, day of IUI or hours between trigger and IUI. We never once added in other medications to aid in ovulation or conception or added progesterone regardless of my low progesterone numbers. EVEN when I had faint traces in the blood stream of hCG in my blood stream a year ago in April. They never did anything other than bring me in to keep testing for any increase while we waited for a new cycle to begin. In hindsight I see these things weren't in our best interest but they sure were easier for the office and followed the same protocol. I was happy with the doctor and staff, liked their amount of interest in us and thought that they were treating us the best way possible. It's only after talking to other infertiles and seeing a new doctor that I realize what a mistake it was to sink all our money and time into the countless cycles we did with Dr. G. It's a BIG regret that we have and given the chance to do over things would be different. Sadly we can't change it and all we can do is move on and hope for some luck with our doctor.

This is why we are going ahead with our IUI whenever my cycles are regulated. I have a feeling that won't take long with Hutch at the helm of the medical care. He's a lot more proactive and if something doesn't work he will try something new. He's not stuck in a rut and unwilling to change and for that I am grateful. The more John and I discussed it and the more we thought about our past attempts it solidified that we have to give this a shot. We will continue to save towards our IVF and keep that in our sights but in the mean time we will make an investment into IUI and if we are luck we might get pregnant with out having to go to IVF. They say it takes the average infertile 3-5 cycles to conceive so we are not expecting a first try miracle (though we wouldn't mind that at all) but we are expecting progress. By progress I mean increase in follicles and increase in the size of follicles, higher quality of lining and higher numbers to confirm a strong ovulation. I don't feel we are asking too much. These are things you should see when working with a doctor towards the goal of conceiving a child. We never saw improvement or progress in the past. (Other than John's counts which of course are fabulous and super hero like and cause me to curl up in the fetal position because this is all on ME! Not really, I know that but it doesn't make me feel any better.)

We are very lucky because we have an amazing support system. We've been lucky to have an amazingly successful garage sale and some VERY generous donations from family and friends. One of the best things that has happened was finding our new rental house. (Thanks Faith) We are saving over $130 a month since we moved here which we dedicate to our infertility fund. We are amazingly lucky because of John's job. He does work hard and has to earn his paycheck but we are fortunate that he is well compensated for his work, we have insurance (even if it doesn't cover IUI or IVF) an his job allows him to be present in this battle that is infertility. We are back in the infertility game and not just waiting around for IVF.

and the world spins madly on...

2011-07-17T20:52:00.000-07:00

Thinking of doing an IUI while we wait and save for our IVF. It seems a bit counterproductive that we would spend the money on an IUI while we are saving the big bucks for the IVF. The problem is I'm impatient and feel like we are wasting time while we wait. Beyond that we have never done in IUI with Dr. Hutch and we've never done a injectable IUI. Combing these two things gives me hope that an IUI with Hutch could be the magic one. Hutch comes back from vacation tomorrow so I will be calling first thing to set up an appointment. I need to get in there to go over the random cycles and the spotting issues. While we are there I want to discuss doing an IUI. Johnny and I discussed it over the past week and we think it is a good idea and we both want to move on to another IUI. New doctor, new meds and new hope.

and don't come try and find me...

2011-07-07T20:58:00.000-07:00

Next time my body, specifically my reproductive system, decides to run rampant I would prefer it be when my Reproductive Endocrinologist is NOT on vacation. For reals. Only 11 more days before he returns and who knows if I can get an appointment. My uncooperative lady parts spent another month revolting and being a general pain in the uterus. More spotting, clotting and random cycle fun and even on my BIRTHDAY! It's exciting to get a period on your own, unmedicated. It's not exciting to have random break through bleeding and clotting issues. Hopefully Hutch has some answers unlike my old doctor who wasn't helpful in the least about this. In the mean time I will continue to curse my ovaries, uterus and all other female parts of my body.

For my birthday a friend gave me a Willow Tree figurine.

It's the Angel of Hope and came with a card that says "Each day, hope anew".

I've seen these before and know a lot of people that collect them. I've never really got into them, it was more of something my Mom would have collected. She loved angels while I loved and collected Calavares and Catrina's which are the Day of the Dead skeleton figures. But when I opened the gift and read the saying of "Each day, hope anew" I was touched by the though but not crazy about the "Mom" like figure. I placed it on a new piece of furniture we got more because I needed a third object to balance it (Thanks EWO for the rule of odds when decorating.) and threw it up there. It's been there for almost a week and each night it look at it while watching tv and it does give me hope. It really inspires me and keeps reminding me not to lose hope. Not to mention that a friend took the time to pick it out for me because she wants me to have hope. She told me on my birthday how many people have hope that we will be parents and how she knows it's hard for us but we have to have hope. Then I read what the artist had wrote on the website about this particular angel:

Angel of Hope

Each day, hope anew

I love the idea of lighting a candle for someone, or for a wish, or a thought… keeping it alive, carrying it forward. So this angel is sheltering and protecting a small candle with a little gold-leafed flame. It’s important that the flame is small – sometimes it’s just a little flicker or a fleeting sign that can give you hope. Sometimes for me, focusing on seemingly insignificant things – events or happenings that I might ordinarily take for granted – it’s those things, those little miracles, which can give hope. I wanted Angel of Hope to be a positive piece. Kind of like the little spark that keeps us going.

Now I'm hooked on these angles and have started a new item to collect. They message that comes with and that is behind the artists thinking is beautiful. I'll just have to make sure that I keep my skeletons and angels balanced around the house.

Birthday weekend in Scottsdale...

2011-07-05T14:35:00.001-07:00

Here's a peek at my birthday trip to Scottsdale. We stayed at the Westin Keirland Resort and it was amazing! As you will see in the pictures we pretty much lived in the pool...

so you say it's your birthday...

2011-07-02T21:48:00.000-07:00

So my 30th birthday is wrapping up. I honestly don't feel any different than I did yesterday. I thought I might panic about the big three zero or get a little nervous. In fact I thought I would be crying in the fetal position around midnight last night. Well, that didn't happen. I spent a few days in Phoenix with Mindy and her family plus John. We ate good food, hung out in the pool, worked on my tan and stayed in a gorgeous resort. Yesterday John and I spent an extra day in Phoenix and went to see Face to Face at the Nile. Face to Face is a favorite band of both of ours. We had a nice dinner together and then headed over to the venue. The pace was HOT as HELL. It was 113 degrees outside and probably the same inside. Luckily we found a spot on the bench along the wall. I was able to stand on it and catch some of the circulation from the fans above everyone else. It was also nice because I was able to see the stage. As usual John to amazing care of me and kept buying me water and made me stay hydrated. The show was amazing! Today we made the drive home and then started putting together a few things that we bought at IKEA. We had dinner with a few more of our friends at Olive Garden. Now I'm hanging out with the doggies for the last couple hours of my day of birth.
I'm not sure what I expected at 30 but I know that it wasn't this. I expected to be a Mom or at least pregnant. I figured I'd still be getting the early morning phone calls from my Mom saying "Happy Birthday Julie Marie!". Maybe still living in Michigan and have birthday cake with my family? Drinks with my friends? I'm not saying that where I am is bad but it is different. I can't stop time or change the things that have happened or will happen in my life. I'm just along for the ride. Hopefully this 30th year of my life brings some amazing experiences. One can only hope...

The dog days are over now...

2011-06-27T18:14:00.002-07:00

So at the end of May I hopped a plan and took off for Michigan. While there I visited with two of my favorite people, Ethan and Mia. Ethan is my little Beanie Man and his growing up so FAST. He's my sister Katie Bean's son and my very first nephew. He's a trip to say the least. Mia is my god daughter and niece. She's the daughter of John's brother Erick and his wife Ana. She's the most mature baby EVER. She's also full of attitude and is the boss. Just ask her. I love going home for this very reason. Seeing them makes me so happy and give me a lot of joy. Even though they are on opposite sides of the family and not technically related they sure acted like they were. They were poking at each other and generally causing all sorts of trouble. I'm glad that am able to get them together and enjoy time with both of them.

The reason I was in Michigan is because John's parents, John and Lisa, invited me on an all expense paid trip to Mexico. Who could say no to that!? They own a beautiful home down there in Playa del Carmen and we spent a week either in the pool, on the beach or eating amazing food. The trip was amazing and I had a lot more fun than I thought was possible.

We went to my favorite restaurant/bar on 5th Avenue. It's called the Tequila Barrel and it's amazing. Best selection of beers and tequilas in Playa del Carmen. The food is also amazing. We went there a few times to enjoy the cold beverages and even had Pina Colada's for breakfast one morning. If you find yourself down there I highly suggest you stop at the Tequila Barrel and order some Trash Can Nachos! You won't be disappointed.

We spent two days using day passes for the Akumal Beach Resort. It was a little too quite for my taste but besides that it was amazing. The beach wasn't crowded nor was their pool and the staff was friendly. I enjoyed bouncing back and forth from tanning and relaxing on the beach to dipping in the pool. I waded into the ocean a few times and even attempted snorkeling but my mask was leaking and it burnt my eyes. I need to get a new one before we go back in December. I loved laying on the beach and listening to the waves. It was just what I needed to get my mind off all the madness that is trying to conceive.

I love walking down 5th Avenue checking out the shops and people watching. My personal favorites is the shops that sell true Mexican Folk Art and crafts made in Mexico. You'd be shocked at how many places sell items made in China or crap you can buy at the dollar store in the US. But if you take the time to look you can find some amazing shops and pick some amazing pieces. Especially all the Day of the Dead, Catrina's and Calavers that I collect. My favorite store was actually in Akumal called MexicArte. I could have spent a fortune in there but I was good. I'll be saving up to buy more on our next trip in December. There were quite a few Catrina's that I MUST have.

When I got home John had moved us into our new rental. After I got over the confusion over where home was I was happy to be back in my own bed, with my smelly dogs and the amazing husband. Who managed to tackle the Horse Patrol training and graduate all while I was gone. He's good like that.

The following weekend our friends put together a fundraising garage sale and gave us the proceeds to offset the cost of our IVF this fall. It was an amazing success. I was so touched to see how many people cared and were there to support us. We even had enough items left over to put in storage so that we can have a second yard sale later this summer. We are getting closer and closer to our dream!

when there is nothing left to burn...

2011-06-25T19:48:00.000-07:00

This picture was taken last week off of Cherokee Road about one mile south of our house. The fires were frightening and beautiful at the same time. The summation of how these fires started is that an illegal started the first blaze and then things blew up from there. I'd have to say someone dropped the ball when they didn't attempt to put out the original small fires. Currently the fires are reported at 60% containment. I'm very happy to say that all my friends and their families are safe. Only one of John's coworkers lost his home in the fire but no one in his family was injured.

Cause of our wildfires....

2011-06-21T20:50:00.002-07:00

please speak well of me...

2011-06-16T19:35:00.001-07:00

Our IVF Fundraiser is on Saturday.

The town a few miles south of us is burning form a wild fire.

Friends are being evacuated from their homes.

My house is still not unpacked from our move. This could prove a good thing if we are evacuated.

I think I have ulcers.

moving on up...

2011-05-20T18:45:00.000-07:00

So John and I will be moving the second week of June. I would like to state for the record that this will be the last time we move while we live in Sierra Vista! I'm so tired of packing and moving. We love the house we are in and would stay here if it wasn't for two very big issues. One, our house backs up to a local elementary school and it's LOUD. They are at recess all day. And the bell is so loud that it sounds like an alarm in our house. I can sleep through it because I'm a champ like that but sweet Johnny boy can't handle it. He's the lightest sleeper in the world and will be on either swings or midnights in the near future. He's not pretty without his beauty sleep. CRANKY! Two, the management company that handles our house is miserable to deal with. It's come to the point that I hand deliver the rent so I know that it it's in the property managers hands on the due date. At one point she was trying to charge us late fees on the date she deposited the check into their bank. Umm... I'm sorry but if I have my rent to you on the 1st (It's due on the 5th.) and you take your sweet time getting to the bank that is not my fault. We moved into this home on April 15th 2010 and are still waiting for them to fix the bathroom sink and light switch. After our lease was up we were on a month to month rental agreement while we tried to find the perfect house. We were very lucky that our friends were moving from their rental into a bigger home. They called their landlord, an independent, and told him we were interested. It couldn't have worked out better. The only slight issue is that I will be come May 29 - June 13 and John will be horse training. So we have to pack the house and get things ready before I leave so that John and our friend Chris can start moving on the 10th while I'm gone. Once I get back John and I will make sure we got all the small stuff out of the house and have the house cleaned so that we can have the join inspection with them management company on the 15th. Thankfully we had pictures taken of the house when we moved in and will take them as we move out so that we have comparison photos to protect our security deposit. Once we are in the new place I plan to stay put for as long as possible. We've spent the day packing the living room and starting our spare rooms. We are already out of bins and boxes!

After two weeks of the new PCOS and Fertility diet things are going better than expected. I've lost over 8lbs and maintained the lose. This week is when I am allowed to start walking on the treadmill for 15 minutes at a time. They wanted me to see results from just the food before I added in exercise. I do miss a lot of the foods that I can no longer have. I can't have soda anymore and that was my weakness. Once I become more confident in my food choices and learn to adapt to the new diet I think things will begin to flow for me. I'm hoping to see a lot of change in my health and weight by July.

I also want to thank my friends Faith and Jason, Sarah, Kwyn and her husband Lou, Tina Dillenbeck and her family, the Guest Family, Tiffany M., Tessa G., Jennifer M., and a few people that I don't even know the names of for their generous donations.

you have my heart and soul…

2011-05-17T01:18:00.001-07:00

I may not have babies of my own to enjoy but I do have a beautiful niece and adorable nephew that I love dearly. I will be back home in Michigan in two weeks and cannot wait to squish on them both.

I am overly excited to get to spend some time with these two little monsters. I’ll be home for a week and then John’s parents are taking me to their home in Mexico for a week. Johnny was going to join us but he is starting his Horse Patrol training instead. I’m looking forward to a week of relaxation, oceans and shopping for more Dia De Los Muretos figures. You can never have too many Catrina dolls. I’m also happy that I’ll get to see the Dad and Carol again so soon after my last trip and the Dad’s visit here. Don’t tell them but I kind of, sort of, just maybe like having them around…

Then the fun starts. I come back to Arizona on the 13th and have to be moved out of and have our current house cleaned up by the 15th. Which is the official date we chose for our inspection of the home. Then I have the IVF Fundraiser on Saturday the 18th. It’s getting a lot of attention and so many kind people are making donations of items to sell, bottles in Michigan and people have been asking how to send a donation. I’m touched that people care so much for Johnny and I and that they want us to have our baby as much as we want this. All this will be going on while we are trying to settle into our new house. (Which just so happens to be the house that my good friend is moving out of! Thanks for the heads up and kind reference with the landlord!)

Once the dust settles we will celebrate my 30th birthday up in Scottsdale for three days and then it’s back to the IVF madness. My next appointment will fall in the end of June or beginning of July depending on my cycle. I will call Dr. H and set that up once I get back from Michigan. My blood test all came back confirming what we already knew. The list got a little longer, too but I have PCOS, Pelvic Adhesive Disease, Endometriosis, Low Thyroid and Insulin Resistance. All combat fertility and are not fun in any way shape or form. Thankfully my thyroid issue is now under control, the goiter has not grown in size and does not need to be removed. BONUS! Hopefully by my next appointment with Dr. H I will have lost a minimum of 20lbs. I don’t think this will be too far out of reach because I’ve already lost 8lbs. I’m still debating Traditional Chinese Medicine, Acupuncture and a few other things that people have suggested.

I’ll be posting about my Nutritionist and the plan that we came up with in my next post. Plus the PCOS diet and some of the tips and tricks that I’ve picked up from here.

IVF Fundraising Garage Sale

2011-05-13T21:46:00.000-07:00

Our friends Mindy and Chris decided to set up an IVF Fundrasing Garage Sale for John and I. Mindy had read about the idea online and then saw my friend Sarah's invite for her event on Facebook. She got to work and put together one for us that will take place on June 18th. This is what she posted on Facebook and a bit of our official story...

McShane IVF Fundraising Yard Sale

Location 827 Tularosa Drive
Created By Mindy Kraus

More Info Yard Sale benefiting John and Julie McShane, here is their story....

John and I have been married for almost eight years. We have been trying for a baby for just as long with no success. Four years ago we went to our first appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Pelvic Adhesive Disease and Endometriosis. Due to the female factor infertility we were told we would not b...e able to conceive without assisted reproductive technologies. I have had two laparoscopic procedures, a dye test and ovarian drilling to increase our chance of success. We've done four years of medicated cycles and spent the last year trying IUI (Intrauterine insemination) and invested copious amounts of money, time and emotions. All of these procedures have been unsuccessful.

After all of the failed treatments our doctors have suggested we move on to IVF (in vitro fertilization). We desperately want a child of our own and IVF will give us that chance. With this procedure our odds of conception will improve from less than 10% to 60% or better. We know this will be our best option. Unfortunately our insurance covers no portion of the cost of IVF.

This is where we need your help. Because our insurance covers nothing a single IVF procedure will cost around $10,000. We are asking for donations from our friends and family of any of your unwanted saleable items. We will be selling our own items, along with your donated items, during an IVF fundraising garage sale on Saturday June 18th from 7am -4pm. We will have baked goods, hot dogs, soda and water for sale as well. We are also looking for people to shop.

Please contact me if you have any items you wish to donate! Every little bit helps us to get one step closer to our dream of having a child.

Thank you in advance for your support as we move forward towards our dream.

And in Michigan John's parents have started a bottle drive for us. They are collecting the bottles and cans from anyone looking to donate them and will return them and send us the proceeds to help us cut the cost of our IVF procedure.
It's pretty amazing to see how many people care for us and want to help us to get started with our IVF! I am very excited to move forward with this and to hopefully, FINALLY, have our baby!

a new plan...

2011-05-09T21:41:00.001-07:00

New Game Plan for Conception
1. Meet with Hanna Feeney a dietitian who works closely with PCOS and infertility ladies. She will help me to come up with a diet and master plan for getting my body in the best possible health for me and for conception.
2. Lose some weight and get moving.
3. IUI with Femara and 150IUI of Gonal F for three cycles OR Femara and Gonal F with IVF or both.
4. Get Pregnant.

Sounds simple enough. Right?

I'm very thankful to Faith for recommending Dr. Hutchison to me. I went to the appointment thinking of it as a second opinion and with in the first 15 minutes I had decided he would be my new doctor. He was more concerned with my personal health and the health of my future babies than just getting me pregnant. He was very easy to talk to, answered all my questions with answers set to my body and my needs and not canned cookie cutter answers. He was able to put me at ease within minutes of meeting him and he made me feel like he wanted to know about me, what I wanted and how I wanted to approach things. Dr. H was able to walk me through my options without making me feel like all hope was lost and he took my input and used it to work out a plan that suited both of us. I'm very excited to move forward with him.

We are going to take May and June to get things together for me health wise. John will be going to Horse Patrol training for three weeks so he wouldn't be available for appointments. Plus I am going to Michigan and then Mexico for about 10-14 days in June. I'm going to start following whatever diet that is recommended for me and get my weight down and just get healthy in general. I've started following some of the info that I found online for low GI diets and PCOS diets but I will admit that I cheated while my Dad was in town.

Speaking of... I was able to spend three days with my Dad and I loved it. It wasn't nearly long enough but I was just home and I will be home again in June. One day we spent on the golf course in Naco with John and a close family friend, Bob. The guys even trusted me to drive the cart. It was a beautiful day and the view was gorgeous. Just spending time with three very important men in my life was amazing. The last day he was here John had to work so the Dad and I went out to breakfast and down to the giant cross. We took in the view, spotted an illegal and went on our own adventure trying to find and identify a building we had scene from the top of cross. The mysteryy was much more exciting than the truth. It ended up being a rude down house with a brand new overly large driveway. Then it was off to base to shop at the commissary. The only place in town that sells the yogurt that I like. The Dad bought me all the ones off the shelf except the two we left just in case someone else wanted one. I can't tell you how exciting that was for me. It's my favorite! Then the Dad had to leave me to head back up to Chandler. That's always the worst part. I miss him terribly. Just need to get him to drag my EWO out here ASAP!

and I would cry a 1000 more if that's what it takes

2011-05-05T14:50:00.001-07:00

Mother's Day is coming up and it's always a rough day for me. While I realize I'm lucky to have a wonder Evil Wicked Stepmother and also to have John's Mom in my life. I am lacking two important things. My own Mama and the title of Mama for myself.
So I still this poem from Faith's blog and thought I would share it. It's pretty much dead on to how I am feeling.

“Happy Mother's Day”
it comes around every year;

but when you have empty arms,

it's very hard to hear.

It's a day to celebrate a mother;
for all the trials she overcame;

and a reminder to an infertile

of her loneliness and shame.

But what really makes a mother,

Is it just conception and birth?

Or is there something more,

that shows a mother's worth?

It's putting your child first,

in everything you do;

it's sacrifice and determination,

and love and patience too.

An infertile woman makes all her plans,

around a child not yet conceived;

she loves them even though they aren't here,

more than she ever could have believed.

She appreciates and understands,

what a blessing that children are;

she works hard for just a chance,

that motherhood is not that far.

All odds are stacked against her,

and yet she still has hope;

everyday is another struggle,

finding ways to help her cope.

So even though her arms are empty,

she can still be a mother too;

So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”

for those waiting for their dreams to come true!

By Rachel Holden

http://forum.baby-gaga.com/about599768.html

daisy dead petals that is her name...

2011-05-01T21:16:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my second opinion with Dr. H up in Tucson. I'm looking forward to what he has to say and to see what he suggest for our future. I was scheduled for June 2nd but on the waiting list for any canceled appointments. So when they called and asked me to come in May 2nd I jumped at it regardless of John's work schedule. Thankful Mindy is willing to head up there with me and we will make an afternoon of it with pizza for dinner with her boys.
I'm a bit frightened that he will think it's hopeless or useless but from what I heard about him that won't be case. I know that he concentrates more on fitness and health and that's probably a good thing. While Dr. G always told me my weight now and 20lbs heavier had nothing to do with it I know that it must. And even if he just has suggestions on healthier foods I'm game. I haven't been exercising like I was but I'm going to start on Tuesday and get my rump on the treadmill. Plus I'm looking into acupuncture and Chinese medicine and herbs that a friend had success with while she was trying to conceive.
I realize everyone is different and what works for someone might not work for me but after four years of fertility treatments I'm ready to do anything and everything that it takes.

not for the faint of heart... anatomy images included

2011-04-29T16:34:00.001-07:00

So here is what a healthy ovary looks like ... I borrowed this image from a medical website so this isn't mine. One, I don't have healthy ovaries and two, my image is black and white and copied from my file...

See it's little and white and looks like an egg. It's surface appears smooth and there are no cysts.

Now here is my ovary, copied from my file. The bottom right image is the doctor burning the cysts on my ovary last January 2010. This is only part of my problem but poly cystic ovaries aren't pretty and they are truly a pain in the ass...

My ovaries look the potatoes with lots of eyes. The ovaries aren't smooth and are pock marked. Those black spots are all the cysts he removed on that day. Not to mention that cysts grow back meaning I have more now then I did in January. I have a lot more images because I just got my files today! Calling multiple times a day apparently annoys doctors enough to make copies asap. Squeaky wheel got the grease this time.

So this should give you a small bit of insight of only one of the obstacles that are causing me to have a "busted baby maker".

and I don't want to be a lone man anymore...

2011-04-27T20:45:00.000-07:00

So my $109 blood tests told me a whole lot of nothing. I am not currently pregnant but they don't know if I was or not. They want me to come back in for more blood tests and an annual exam for tissues samples. I'm not so sure I want to know. I do know that I am going to call tomorrow about my charts and also call the new doctor to find out if I can go without the charts at this time. Let's just hope John's schedule allows him to go with me or else I will have to postpone. Having one working car is for the birds.

John's parents were just here with us over the holiday weekend. We spent the four days in a flurry of sight seeing and showing them our current home. Tombstone is always on our list of places to take people and as expected John's Dad loved it there. Surprisingly I think his Mom liked it better. She was having a ball shopping in the little shops on the main strip and checking out all goodies they had. We also took them up to the "big cross" at Our Lady of the Sierra's. Even if you are not religious the view is beautiful. We took a day trip up to Tucson for breakfast, the beauty supply and to find their favorite Mexican Beer. (Only to find out that beer was sold a mile from our house at Food City. Go figure.) We took them down 83 and stopped at the scenic overpass for some photos. Johnny ended up finding sign, following it down the side of the mountain and having his Dad help him through some barbed wire. He found remnants of a bundle and a ton of trash. Lisa and I found some used toilet paper. YUCK! We also took them down to John's station and to see the border. I love watching Johnny in his element and explaining what he does on a daily basis. John's Mom was choked up and teary eyed talking to him about how scared she is because of his dangerous job. That hit home with Johnny. He's always wondered how his family felt about what he does. My family is very vocal with their support but it's a bit different with his parents only because his sister in law is from Mexico. She's legal. (John asked to see her green card the first time he met her.) But home much and what will upset Ana and what is safe for her family to know about what he does. It seemed to be a touchy situation in the past. That wasn't the case on this visit. It was nice to have them out here. It took four years to get them here but I think they enjoyed it. We had a big BBQ on Easter Sunday for Easter and for John Sr.'s birthday. The Kraus family came over to celebrate with us and eat some good grub.

i guess the change in my pocket wasn't enough...

2011-04-26T12:57:00.000-07:00

So the fun of being infertile or breeding challenged or having a busted baby maker is all the unexpected madness that comes along. After years of irregular cycles my body regulated for January - April. Sounds good until last week when I started spotting and then passing clots mid cycle. My maternal families issues with clots may have added to the bit of hysteria that I felt. Not to mention the surprise of passing quarter sized clots for your lady parts can be a bit alarming. So I called and booked an appointment with my Reproductive Endocrinologist. I had to wait the weekend out before we could be seen but by then the spotting had slowed and finally stopped. So Monday I go see the doctor and she says it could be bleeding through a pregnancy or abnormal uterine bleeding. She wasn't the slight bit alarmed or concerned. She could tell by our reaction to her calm that we weren't happy and even asked if we "were ok with that explanation". Um, no. Bleeding through a pregnancy?? What's that? Abnormal uterine bleeding? Why? What causes it? So she ran some blood work to target exactly what could be going on and to make sure I'm not pregnant or miscarrying. I've taken a home test multiple times so I don't think that is the case. She also wants me to come in for an annual exam to check the tissue and take samples. Why they couldn't do that while I was there I don't know. So after the appointment I go to pay my $35 copay and the lady tells me it's $144. Ummm... huh? Well the clinic lost their contract with a lab so I have to pay $109 up front for my blood work. And that is my fault how? I would happily go to the lab where I don't have to pay but because they took my blood before telling me I am now responsible for the fee. Not cool. Not cool at all. So I ask the receptionist for my charts that requested months ago and she says she has no record of it and makes me fill out a new form and says it could be up to 2 weeks. Are you kidding??? I'm happy I'm set up for my second opinion and possible transfer to Dr. H but I'm not happy that I might have to postpone it because Dr. G's office can't get my records ready for me in an appropriate amount of time. I love Marta and Dr. G but I'm not happy with how my last few appointments have gone. And their staff is miserable. And I'm still sitting her waiting for my $109 blood test results. That chaps my ass. Not because I can't afford it but because I have insurance that covers my blood work at no charge to me. Seeing as we pay a large sum and the BP plays an even larger sum to cover me with top insurance.

hopping down the bunny trail...

2011-04-22T22:07:00.000-07:00

Years ago my EWO and I attempted to make an Easter cake. It was a vanilla cake with vanilla frosting and rolled in coconut. The best part was you cut the rounds just so and it made a three dimensional bunny rabbit. Only EWO and I weren't so lucky. No matter how many toothpicks or how much frosting we slapped on that thing it just wasn't working. It ended up being a flat bunny face that looked like work of a four year old. It had licorice whiskers and jelly bean eyes but it was a mess to say the least. The Dad, being awesome, enjoyed it anyway. It didn't matter that it was a deformed rabbit cake to him. It tasted good and his lovely bride and favorite daughter made it. I wonder if there are pictures of that debacle anywhere... If there are I would really like to see them.

come out of your cave walking on your hands...

2011-04-19T01:06:00.000-07:00

Currently using my teeny tiny netbook and typing is not that simple on this thing. The keyboard is much smaller and I keep fat finger it and making errors. For someone who prides themselves on their typing skills this is killing me. My cuddly blue laptop is once again having screen issues. I hugged it goodbye before dropping it off at the Technology Nook. Sadly they called today and suggested I take it back to whomever replaced the screen. That would be in Michigan. Good thing my in laws are coming to visit this week. Johnny is going to ask them to take it home with them and drop it at Strategy One for what we hope will be warrant repair. I have the old HP that works well enough but it keeps over heating and that's just not cool. My netbook is still brand spanking new even though I got it over a year ago. So since I am having issues typing I'm going to lay myself out some bullet points that I will further discuss in depth in future blog posts if I ever get my cuddly blue dell laptop back. Cross your fingers. I'm dying without it...

1. Went to Michigan. Saw family. Met my ADORABLE nephew Ethan. Saw my beautiful niece Mia. Drove SMART car like a rock star. Feel in love with On Star in HHR. SLEEP! I was able to SLEEP!
2. Almost adopted a pug.
3. Unsuccessful hunt for new rental home.
4. Cleaning out house and garage and throwing things out.
5. Dominating my book goal. Bought three new books. Excited for Horns and Lincoln Lawyer.
6. Regular moving going with the Kraus boys. I'm in animated movie heaven.
7. Friends so amazing that they are organizing a fundraising yard sale to help us offset the cost of IVF. After seeing my re post to spread the word about Sarah and Steve's ffundraising yard sale Mindy decided that I should have one. Amazing amount of people offering items to sell, people offering to help, place ads, spread the word and come shop. I am amazed people care so much and are kind enough to help.
8. Found out six of my friends here in Arizona are currently pregnant. One "forgot I can't have babies" (as she said) and sent me a picture of her positive pregnancy test. That was no buneo.
9. Managed to have the wind slam my leg closed into the door of an F150. OUCH. Back of my thigh is currently black and front is swollen and red. I A M A W E S O M E!
10. Let's Go Red Wings! 3-0 right now and I'm loving it but my lucky socks are getting a bit stinky.

2011-03-26T17:36:00.000-07:00

Shelfari.com is broken! The widget is listing all the books I've read in the last few years as "What I'm Currently Reading" as opposed to what I really am reading now which is Half Broke Horses. I'm not you all are concerned about that.

I've been super busy lately getting things ready for Michigan. Plus ordering and shipping the gifts for Katie and Ethan. Plus getting John ready for a week of MRT training while I am gone. It's a crazy week in the McShane house. I leave Wednesday monring for Michigan and John leaves the day before for his trip. I'm excited to meet Baby Beanie and also see Mia! Not to mention seeing my parents and family. I swear I'm going to start making three week trips in order to see everyone that I want to while I'm home.

2011-03-16T14:16:00.001-07:00

Would love to find a way to read and knit or crochet at the same time. Since I find books on tape to be a bastardized form of literature it makes it hard. Don’t get me wrong. I see the benefits for audio books for many people. But for me it’s like cheating on a good book. I feel like I get more from a book when I’m actually reading it with my peepers as opposed to hearing it with my ears.

Anyway, I’m dominating the books that I’ve set up to read the next few weeks. I’m ahead of schedule and need to go shopping for the next few books. Right now I’m reading a good book called A Discovery of Witches and enjoying it thoroughly. The only problem is I’m also crocheting a baby blanket for the baby Bean, Ethan. So dividing my attention between the two is not going so well. I’ve got two weeks to finish the blanket before I get to Michigan for Ethan’s meet and greet party. I love working on the blanket but I don’t want to put my book down. Oh my dilemmas.

Twice last week I walked away from my Po BOX with some amazing surprises. First was a package from the Dad and EWO full of Sanders Hot Fudge, Pez and other goodies. I loved getting a surprise and knowing someone was thinking of us. Then a few days latter a strange envelope was in my mailbox. I instantly recognized the return address belonging to my friend Sarah and partner in infertility madness. I had no idea what the package was or why it was in the box. I opened it up to find the most beautiful silver owl necklace and note from Sarah that touched my heart. I couldn’t express how thankful I am to have so many amazing people in my life. Not only is Sarah one of the friendly ears I turn to when I’m whining about infertility but she is also a wealth of knowledge and support when it comes to the topic. I was so thankful to receive such a beautiful gift but amazed at how well Sarah knows me to choose an owl necklace. I’m hoping it will be my lucky necklace during this next cycle

Speaking of cycles and fertility… For some unknown reason and the first time in 11 years or so, I’ve had a regular cycle with out medical induction or intervention for the last three months. For most people this isn’t big news. For me it means that we may have a chance, however small a chance, to conceive the hold fashion way. While I thought we would be spending these few months taking a break and saving money and wasting those months of trying to conceive, I was wrong. I have no clue if it’s quality ovulation or what but it’s a small chance. A little seed of hope for us that we might be able to get pregnant without a team of doctors and nurses, hormones and shots and invasive procedures. It may not work but it’s a step in the right direction. Hopefully it doesn’t stop.

Bonus #11 About Me…

2011-03-09T22:13:00.001-07:00

11. While most kids with divorced parents wished for their parents to reconcile or remarry, I did not. I was lucky enough to get the most EVIL WICKED STEPMOTHER on the face of the planet. Carol is amazing and has never treated me as a “step” anything. I’m her Brat Kid.

10 things about me…

2011-03-07T23:46:00.001-07:00

I stole this idea from one of my all time favorite people, Amanda (Noah and Amanda's Blog). I’ve known her for probably 14 or 15 years now. That makes me feel old.

10 Things About Julie

1. I want to be a Mother more than anything in this world.

2. I don’t like the way nail polish feels on my nails. People say it doesn’t have a feel but it does. Almost like someone is pinching each of my finger tips.

3. My Dad is my best friend. We talk about everything including fertility treatments, ovulation and how to make babies the old fashion way. You’d think it’d be awkward but it not. I love that man. I feel sorry for my friends that don’t have a Dad as awesome as mine.

4. The first thing that attracted me to Johnny was his hands. They were strong and calloused. Then I noticed his gorgeous blue eyes.

5. I wear a necklace that has my Mom’s thumbprint engraved on it since she passed away in 2007. I’ve never taken it off.

6. The pain of missing my Mom is still as hard 3.5 years after as it was 3.5 days after. It doesn’t get easier. I’m just hoping to become stronger.

7. I read the complete works of Edgar Allen Poe when I was in 4th grade. My parents were called for a parent teacher conference because of my morbid choice in books.

8. I honestly believe that I fall more in love with my husband every day.

9. I talk to and treat my dogs like they are little humans.

10. I have never used a lawn mower.

and now my heart stumbles…

2011-03-04T21:57:00.001-07:00

Wow, I don’t even know where to begin. What a crazy week I’ve had. The biggest surprise was the news that I had a nephew. Regardless of how I found out or why our family didn’t know until the child was 6 weeks, I still love him. I had a few days of anger, hurt and shock. I’m still feeling a mix of emotions. I knew there were different ways that I could respond to the situation. The way that works best for me is being proactive. I immediately reached out to my friends that have baby boys and asked if any had clothes to donate. My good friends Faith and Mindy snapped into action. Then my friend Becky and her friend Jacquie started gathering things from their baby boys. Next thing you know I have a kitchen table full of baby clothes, burp cloths and bibs and hats. I couldn’t ask for better friends. I was touched and amazed by their generosity and their willingness to help my sister and nephew, whom they had never met. Then John’s Mom heard of the situation and sprang to action delivering a bassinet and baby swing to Katie today. Mia had outgrown them both and Ana and Lisa wanted to help me by helping Katie. I feel very lucky to have so many people that care about me and my family.

Now I’m looking at plane tickets to head home and meet this little guy. Big plans to book the ticket have been stalled due to this whole Obama budget madness. If Mr. President doesn’t sign the budget the Agents may not be paid. This happened in 1995 and can very well happen again. I sure hope not. I’ll have a panic attack. I don’t need anymore panic attacks.

I’ll be heading back to my Reproductive Endocrinologist in the next month or two. I have to schedule two appointments. One with my current doctor and one with the other Endo in town for a second opinion. I need to know what my next move is. I want it to be IVF but I don’t know that I will have the budget for that right now. In the mean time I don’t want to do nothing. I still want to be proactive in our journey to conceive.

In the mean time I am sticking to my goal of reading a minimum of five books per month. I refuse to do audio books because in my opinion it’s cheating. I also will only start one book at a time. I don’t like to read multiple books at once. I’ve done well with my goal so far. It’s helping to keep me busy while John is gone this week. It also helps me stay sane.

Once Upon a Time…

2011-02-27T03:07:00.001-07:00

Once upon a time there was a girl named Katie Rose that I affectionately called Bean. That little Bean grew up and had a little Bean of her own.

That little Bean was named Ethan Joseph. He was was born on January 10th and weighed 7lbs 4oz. Mama Bean and Baby Bean are both healthy and well. Baby Bean is now an 11lb happy guy that looks just like his Mama. He has her hair, her nose and her eyes. He even looks a bit like his Uncle Alex as a baby.

This little Baby Bean is my nephew. He may have been a surprise to this Aunt (and his whole maternal family) and caused her beautiful brunette hair to sprout some new white strands but he’s beautiful. He’s loved. He’s my Mama’s first Grandchild. And it’s my job to pass on to him what an amazing person she was. To tell him how much she loves him and verse him all things Jeanne Leroux. (Ok, maybe not EVERTHING…) I want him to know how crazy she would have gone over him and how she would have spoiled him. I want him to know that while she is not here that she is part of him and who his is.

Welcome to the world Ethan Joseph. The newest Bean. The Baby Bean.

2011-02-22T19:39:00.001-07:00

I feel like such an imposter. More so amongst my fertile and breeding friends. And my infertile friends are fading to few and far between. They are crossing that great divide to fertile territory and having kids of their own. While I’m very happy for them it’s hard to be left sitting back here on my own. I know to many that this might seem to be irrational or over dramatic. I won’t deny that I do have a flair for the dramatic. It’s more my own heat break and disappointment in myself than it is my anger at them. I’ve been married for over seven years and trying to have a child for all of seven of them. I’ve shelled out copious amounts of money for treatments and yet I’m still childless. I’m tired of hearing that I need to relax and let it happen. We relaxed for the first 3 years of marriage and nothing worked. Then we were aggressive for over 3 years straight. Nothing works. So here we are taking a step back and gathering our thoughts and our funds to move forward with the most aggressive path yet, IVF. Yet after all that I still hold onto the hope that maybe, just maybe, we will get a surprise miracle. It happens to other people so why not us?

I don’t want to do anything besides read. Nothing that I used to enjoy even appeals to me other than books. I don’t want to knit, crochet, craft or bake. I don’t want to go outside or even move out of bed. Yet I hate laying in bed because I can’t sleep. Not even my sleeping pills work anymore. Though when I do fall asleep for even a few hours it’s to the annoyance of John because it wakes him up. Yes, my sleep is that un restful and loud that it wakes others up. The few hours that I am asleep I’m sighing or crying and though I’m unaware of it, John is not. I have become the all consumed infertile. The person I swore I’d never become and yet here I am.

Books... Check 'em out!

2011-02-20T02:26:00.001-07:00

I am truly grateful for the love of literature that both my parents have instilled in me. Books are essential to my soul. I love nothing more than getting lost in a good book. Growing up I was never denied new books. The crack of the spine and smell of the pages fills my heart with so much joy. It amazes me that there are people who do not enjoy reading. To be able to read is a gift we should not devalue. I read to forget, to remember, to de-stress, to understand, to learn and to enjoy. At times books gave been my some of my closest, it not only, friends.

As I approached a book store with John this afternoon I could feel my heart quicken. My anticipation grew the closer we got and my excitement soared. We walked in and I was not disappointed. I feel most alive amongst all these books. I have to breath in the collective smell of paper and ink. It's almost like a drug for me. It makes me giddy. The visual appeal of the multicolored spines lining the shelf is a beautiful sight. I love to run my finger across the vertical mass of spines and feel the vibration that comes from all their different sizes. The smooth dust covers and the rough texture of the printed titled is like nothing else.

There is no greater gift to a child then the love and respect for the written word. It's a gift I've carried with me for as long as I can remember. It's something no one can take away from me. Something anyone can give and share. My parents read to me and read for their own enjoyment They taught me to read. The tolerated my incessant need to read ever passing road sign, menu and cereal box. They encouraged reading for knowledge just as much as pleasure. They never limited my reading time or denied me a book. I never realized before how important that was. I don't know if I can ever full express to them how thankful I am for this. I can only hope that I will one day have a child of my own to pass this gift on to.

cough… sneeze… cough

2011-02-07T23:02:00.001-07:00

I thought I was feeling better. Then my throat started to hurt. I went to bed on Friday night feeling ok and woke up on Saturday a hot mess. My nose was stuffed, my throat was killing me. I had a hacking cough and my ears. OH MY LORD! My ears hurt so bad. So we picked up some cold medicine and spent the majority of the day at home. Sunday was spent on the couch with the husband was at work. I didn’t move. I felt terrible. I talked to Mindy who also felt terrible. Her and the boys were sick and she insisted they got me sick. I reminded her that I have no immune system and could have picked it up anywhere and gave it to them. Monday I woke up too early and moved to the couch. The UPS rang my doorbell at 9:35am. It woke me up and I had no idea where I was or how I got to the couch. I answered the door with a blanket wrapped around me and barley croaked out a “Hello” when I opened the door. I was dizzy from jumping up so fast and wasn’t seeing straight. I think I may have scared the man because he took a large step away from the door. He handed me my package from Verizon with a very shaky hand. He asked me to sign the board which I did but not sure what I wrote. He then pulled a back of antiseptic wipes from his poked and ran back to his truck. I think I scared him. He’s lucky I was so delirious because had I realized he was delivering my iPhone I probably would have kissed him. I was able to pre-order and upgrade my phone at a discounted price last Thursday. I wasn’t expecting it until Thursday on the release date but was pleasantly surprised to see it today. John knew I was very sick when he called be at 1:30pm and I had yet to open the box or activate my new phone. I was that out of it.

Thankfully I have a great friend who is forcing me to the doctors tomorrow. We are down to one car right now until we decided what to do with the Volvo. (Sell it, fix it, sell it for parts or donate it.) John works the same hours as the doctor is open so I didn’t have a way to get there. Plus I have an appointment to meet my new doctor on Friday. I thought I could get away with waiting until then. Mindy wouldn’t hear of me waiting that long. She had gone this morning and insisted I call and get the next available appointment. So tomorrow morning Mindy is picking me up and I will drag my rear into the doctors and get antibiotics. Just cross your fingers my ear drum didn’t tear again.

It's the little things we need...

2011-02-06T01:42:00.001-07:00

Three things that have made my day:

1) Forrest Griffin beating Rich Franklin at UFC 126.

2) My favorite teacher, Mrs. Mayfield, finding and adding me on Facebook. She was my English teacher in High School and is probably the kindest woman on earth. Plus her encouragement for reading, writing and vocabulary inspired me. (Doesn't hurt that she admitted I was one of her favorites!)

3) Surprising Mindy with a birthday cake from Cold Stone and seeing her smile.

so sick of being tired and oh so tired of being sick…

2011-01-31T15:14:00.001-07:00

Ugh. What a waste of John’s weekend. I spent it on the couch. Friday John took me to see Montezuma Pass. That evening I started getting sick. More of an allergy attack than a cold. I woke up Saturday morning about 9am with a bloody nose, swollen and leaky eyes, sore throat and my whole left arm covered in hives. I ended up going back to bed for another three hours. Woke up feeling better but not great. The hives were ridiculous and my eyes were just annoying! We’re assuming it was a contact allergy since it was only my left arm. Possibly from leaning on the guardrail while taking pictures? Not quite sure. Nothing has changed at the house so it’s not the usual culprit. (Detergent, soap, shampoo, deodorant or cleaners.) I felt bad because I missed a friend’s baby shower, bunco and another friend’s birthday party. They say misery loves company but I like to keep my misery contained to my couch.

When I woke up yesterday the majority of my issues had cleared up. I was just glad the hives were gone and my eyes were leaking but not swollen or red anymore. I had a few errands to run and Mindy was gracious enough to accompany me. She brought the boys along and they entertained me to say the least. Then Mindy was kind enough to invite us over for dinner. Yum. Grilled steaks and potatoes. John and I came home later that evening to watch the NHL All Star game that we had recorded early that day. I was exhausted by 10pm. But of course I couldn’t sleep and was up till about 3am.

So it’s off to the allergist for a scratch test. Just have to find one in Tucson. I don’t trust the one doctor here in Sierra Vista.

Where do you live?

2011-01-28T17:16:00.001-07:00

People always ask us how close we live to Mexico. John and I took a drive today and I snapped this picture. If you look carefully you can see the fence that sits along the Border. It’s the thin black line that is above the yellow highlight that I made. So the answer to how close we live to Mexico is… close!

we’re dancing on the ceiling…

2011-01-26T21:04:00.002-07:00

I love this new layout! Miss Sara (Shupe Family of Six) posted a new one and it was so cute I had to go checkout the website. They had an owl layout as the first one and I had to have it.
I spent the day with Mindy and the boys. Talk about exhausting. Taking a 3 year old and a 20 month old to the park was crazy. Cooper had me climbing the rock wall and all the different ladders with him. Flip flops are not climbing shoes. Then we played kickball with Jax and Mindy for a long time. I swear I needed a nap (and a drink!) after all of that. They have boundless energy and it’s hard to keep up. After dinner we had the husbands join us and we all went to the Roadhouse for dinner. The boys were dancing with the servers and rocking out in the booth. It was a super fun day but I am so tired now.
Stopped with John on the way home to pick up a few things from the grocery store. He treated me to a piece of coconut cake from Safeway. It’s amazing. They rarely ever sell individual pieces and I refuse to buy a whole cake because I have no self control over this cake. Yum! So I enjoyed my cake while watching the Red Wings win! Perfect way to end the day.

2011-01-17T22:01:00.001-07:00

“I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.” – W.B. Yeats

2011-01-16T18:36:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I was a miserable hot mess.

Today I spent the day with Mindy and her boys at the Tucson Children’s Museum. That was entertaining. The boys loved the fire truck and police motorcycle. We all loved the art studio. The boys mad paintings and a few drawings on the easels.

Now I’m mentally and physically exhausted.

Oh no she know where to hide in the dark.

2011-01-15T23:44:00.001-07:00

There comes a point in your life when

you have to admit that you can't always get what you want. For me to admit this, even to myself, is life changing. Without insulting my parents I'd like to freely admit that I grew up and am still a bit spoiled. Not in the "princess can't handle her own life" way. More in the way that if my parents could facilitate or help me to achieve what I wanted, with in reason, they did so. My Dad has no problem telling us no. And with him No always means NO. My Mama on the other hand ... she lived to make her kids happy. She gave and gave. Sometimes without giving to herself. So I've never really had many large let downs or much fighting to get what I wanted.

Now I'm almost 30 and what I was is to be pregnant, to have a child of my own and to raise my child in the same open arms, giving and accepting love I was raised in. Sadly Mama and Dad can't really clear a path for me on this life journey.

I've looked at some of the easier ways to reach this goal for Johnny and I. Truly it's not easy unless someone wants to give us $7k to pay for IVF. Even then it's not a guarantee though our strongest option. I need to start fighting and clawing for what I want most. We're not eligible for many of the grants because of our annual income. Medical loans are not a route I am willing to travel. The hoops you jump, the interest, not to mention their access to my medical records and the fact my marginal credit probably wont be accepted anyway. So the next is the old fashion way. Save my money!

Scary because it's not instant. I can't begin buying medication or planning John's days off to accompany me for retrieval, implantation or recovery. I have to let go of the last bit of tangible home and move to this plan B.

Plan B means Julie takes 4 months off from all fertility appointments and treatments. Then I look for a job. Any job. (Anyone hiring?) And bust my buns to save all the money needed for this chance at having a baby. Our baby. My own baby. We save now but not nearly enough or fast enough. It's time to get aggressive.

I'm sure that 50% of my health issues are causes by my stress and depression. I can't hide from that anymore. I know I'm not myself lately. I'm making mistakes and losing focus. I need to take my depression and anxiety by the horns and fix it. I can only talk about this so much. When I really should be doing something about if. It's time to snap out of this. Staying in bed, avoiding friends, my family and life in general hasn't solved anything.

I guess I'm telling myself that it's time to "man up".

I’ll take it…

2011-01-13T00:27:00.001-07:00

Today was a good day. It wasn’t great but I’ll take it. John and I went to visit friends for dinner. They invited us to their place for dinner and to meet their handsome baby boy. It was one of the best days I’ve had in awhile. I meet Faith on a message board for BP wives. We randomly found out that our husbands were going to the same station and we were moving to the same town. We’ve kept in touch with emails and get together a couple times a year for dinner. She also is, well was, an infertile. We have many of the same issues. The same doctors. Most importantly the same feelings and emotions. Faith and her husband made the brave step to adopt. They jumped through the hoops and were blessed with a gorgeous baby boy. During that taxing process of adoption they received a surprise/miracle to find out that they were also pregnant. They chose to continue with adoption as long as the birth family was ok with them being pregnant. Now Faith has a beautiful baby boy who’s just gorgeous and so so happy. She is also experiencing the joy of being pregnant and will soon deliver a gorgeous baby girl. It was odd for me because sitting with her tonight and talking I didn’t feel that jealousy creeping up on me. I didn’t have the lump in my throat when I saw her baby bump. I was excited. It fit her well and looked it was missing the last 3 years I’ve known her. She deserves this joy and these blessings. She and her husband both. I am so lucky to have seen first hand the love that they have for their child. Adopted or not he is their baby boy. You can see and feel the love in their family. I’ve also kept adoption on the back burner, something that I would like to know more about but am too afraid to step into. John has always said NO, NO WAY, and no how. Not even if we can never conceive on our own. On the drive home after dinner with our friends I brought it up. I told him I’m not going to force it on him and I’m not even ready for it. I want to exhaust all options for fertility treatments but I’m curious. Rather than shut me or give his usual answers he asked me questions. Real questions about emotions and feelings and what our friends went through and will continue to go through. So while I’m not ready to start that process yet, at least we opened the door to possibility. It’s nice to have people we can talk to you and confide in regarding our hopes and fears when it comes to the crazy world of infertility. Plus she makes a mean funfetti cupcake! Sometimes, with this depression, I have to drag myself from the house or to see friends. I’m so glad that I went to see our friends tonight. Johnny had a great time as well. Sometimes you just have to drag yourself out of the recliner, knock of the dust and try.

2011-01-11T20:52:00.001-07:00

1. Verizon announced the release of it’s iPhone. 2/10/11 and I will be preordering that bad boy.

2. I finally went to the eye doctor. The doctor’s assistant had to do the glaucoma test on me 4 times. Apparently I jump. A lot. The assistant did the wall chart test and then told me “Go look at your frames while you wait for the doctor”. I guess I failed that test. But my new glasses will be in this week. I can’t wait to be able to see again.

3. John is finally on the day shift. He’s much happier with this shift than he is on any other. I like a happy husband.

4. I secretly like country music. I try hard not to. My Mom loved country music. I worked at Texas Roadhouse and tried to hide my love for the music. Now I’m watching an old episode of Cold Case and it’s all Tim McGraw. I love Tim McGraw.

5. I’m a bit bored this evening.

Happy New Year!

2011-01-01T17:46:00.001-07:00

As you can tell by the stylish shoes we all have on, we went bowling for our New Years Eve activity. I had a life time best of 142. Hopefully that is a good start for the new year!

I forgot my camera so these pictures were stolen from Jessica.

Doctor! Doctor!

2010-12-28T02:24:00.001-07:00

Just spent the last two hours rocking in bed and wishing my head would explode. I’d give anything for a day without a headache, a week without a migraine. This one was a bad one. I thought I was going to toss my cookies. Now that it is finally lowered to a dull ache I’ve decided to find a new doctor online. The migraine in combination with John getting really angry and upset about me having another one was the spark that lit the fire. My Dad has also kindly suggested I find a new doctor. I’ve tried two doctors here in our town and they just don’t have the experience or the resources. Not to mention they send me to Tucson for testing anyway. So why not find a doctor up there. I went through the 186 certified doctors in Tucson. I checked reviews and I finally decided on a doctor in Southern Tucson, close to our house, SPEAKS ENGLISH and a woman. I’ve never had a female doctor before so maybe this well be the person that finally solves my medical issues. Cross your fingers.

Spent the day with Mindy today. We went shopping. I hate shopping but Mindy never gets out of the house without her boys. She wanted to go shopping so I figured I’d attempt to enjoy it. Sadly my most exciting purchases were from Target. (Fabric softener, a lighter for my new Sleep Candle and a corkscrew.) Regardless I had a great time and really enjoyed spending time with Mindy.

In the process of making New Years plans with some of the other BPAs and their wives. We are planning on getting our own lane at the bowling alley on post and rocking in the New Year there. Should be an interesting evening to say the least.

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-25T01:34:00.001-07:00

Christmas used to be a favorite holiday of mine. It ranked right up there with Halloween. My Mom loved Christmas. She would pile the gifts under the tree and half way across the living room. She refused to open any of her gifts until all the kids were done because she loved to watch as we opened our presents. My Mom had a smile that could light up room. Even when friends out here see pictures of her they almost always comment on her smile. But that regular smile was nothing compared to smile on Christmas day. The woman glowed! Even when she had gone to work for a short shift on in the middle of the night and had to go straight to opening gifts with her kids she smiled. Hours later after touring all over Michigan to see her Aunts and Mom and other family she still was smiling. So now Christmas is a little harder to take. Being in a different state from the rest of family and with my Mom not being here. It’s hard. In the four Christmas days that have gone by since her passing it’s been hit and miss. Only one of those years did I put up a tree. I don’t even really shop until the day after Christmas for people’s gifts. People used to say she spoiled us and bought us too many gifts. I didn’t measure her love for us with the gifts. Though I will never forget the look on her face as she watched us all enjoy our gifts. It warms my heart to think of playing Santa under the tree and passing out gifts. I’ll never forget her last minute wrapping which was later passed to me to do. She’d accidentally give me a few of my own gifts to wrap and tell me they were for my siblings. (Because Daniel and Alex really loved collecting Barbies. And Katie wasn’t old enough for them.)

Thankfully my Dad and Carol still make Christmas special for us. They remember us out here alone in the desert and still spoil us rotten. They still hit the nail on the head with the perfect gifts for both of us without us even asking. John has worn his Red Wings toque EVERY night since we opened out presents. Sometimes just while sitting on the couch watching TV. Mrs. Claus (my EWO) even found me the purse hanger with the Owl that I had been looking for. Yet I never told her I wanted a purse hanger or even that I was hunting for the owl one all over Tucson to no avail. Not to mention the amazing desert cookbook that I received! Plus and apron because everyone knows just how messy I am. I appreciate that they know us so well!

I was in a funk the last few days about Christmas and the fact that I haven’t been feeling well. I perked up a bit when I got my Christmas care package from the parents. Then today I dropped my video camera off for Mindy to borrow tomorrow. Seeing her boys exploding with Joy about Christmas and waiting for Santa truly filled my heart with happiness. Seeing that carefree excitement and glee was amazing. I can’t wait to see them tomorrow for dinner and share a bit of their cheerfulness!

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-21T23:01:00.001-07:00

I’m not sure if it’s the lack of sleep, stress or the fibromyalgia acting up but I am miserable. My whole body aches and nothing I take is helping with the pain. My migraines are more severe and more frequent. I called to finally make my appoint with the rheumatologist but the office is closed till after the holiday. So Monday I’ll be calling back to beg for an appointment. As for the migraines, I haven’t had to take beyond my max dose of Fioricet yet so I won’t panic. It’s just strange that I usually take the minimum dose no more than twice in one day. Lately I’ve been taking it four times a day. Not cool.

In better news…

Christmas came to Sierra Vista today! I was pleasantly surprised by two parcels at our PO Box today. The Dad and EWO sent us our Christmas gifts and it was just what we needed to put a smile on our faces.

Friday John and I will drive up to Tucson to pick up our Honey Baked Ham and Honey Baked Turkey. Yum! I don’t eat the ham so I’m really excited about the turkey. On Saturday the Kraus family will join us for dinner and dessert to celebrate Christmas. A few other friends might stop by throughout the day to visit. We are going for the laid back and non scheduled form of holiday. I’m just hoping for a rematch at Catch Phrase!

Who needs sleep…

2010-12-19T01:48:00.001-07:00

I have insomnia. That’s nothing new. I’ve suffered from it since my Mom’s death in 2007. I’ve come to terms with the fact that my years of sleeping on a whim, where ever, when ever are over. I have tried multiple sleeping pills, meditation tapes, tv, no tv, music, ocean sounds, silence, black out blinds and every other think you can imagine. It’s a no go. Sometimes my insomnia is worse than others. There are occasions where I can take a sleeping pill and actually fall asleep within an hour. There are other days where it doesn’t matter and I am up all night. There are times when I can lay my head down for a nap and I actually fall asleep and there are other times where I can’t even nap. Regardless of how tired I am it’s like my mind goes 150mph and I can’t stop it or even slow it down. This week has been a miserable week of sleep. From the adjustment to Arizona time versus Michigan time and then the delay in Denver which got us home about 4am (6am Michigan time). Plus the news of Brian’s death has caused some emotional distress. I haven’t lost anyone since the death of my Mother in 2007. I thought losing her had scared my heart so much that nothing could really hurt me like that again. I’m heart broken for Brian and his family. No, it doesn’t hurt like losing my Mom. It’s a different type of hurt. There is the hurt when I see the pain in my husbands eyes. There is hurt when I watch him prepare his dress uniform and mourning badge. There is hurt when I watch him walk out the door to escort Brian’s body to the airport. There is hurt when I hear his voice break while describing the ceremony. There is hurt because that could be my husband that is being flown back to Michigan for burial. So right now I am not sleeping. I’ve had less than 7 hours sleep since we arrived home Thursday morning. I want to fast forward until after Christmas. I want to welcome a new year. A year that I hope is filled with peace and happiness. And maybe a regular sleeping schedule.

US Border Patrol Agent Brian Terry

2010-12-18T00:04:00.001-07:00

This week we lost a friend. Special Agent Brian Terry was a good person, a great friend and a selfless Agent. Brian will be missed greatly and NEVER forgotten. Brian’s dream was to become a Federal Agent. He had previously served his country as a US Marine. He had also worked as a police officer in Michigan for both Ecorse and Lincoln Park Police Departments. Brian told me that completing the BORTAC training and being pinned as a Special Agent was the most meaningful moment of his life. He was murdered while defending our borders. Please keep Brian and his family and friends in your thoughts and prayers.

Michigan

2010-12-17T02:11:00.001-07:00

We survived the snow, ice and cold! Our trip to Michigan was a success. We were able to meet our niece and god daughter, MIA! Johnny and I were both so excited to finally meet her and her mommy. We visited with my parents, John’s family, saw my brother and Kenzie plus Katie Bean, spent a day with the Helwig Family, spent some time with Podhola and my favorite animals Ozzie and Bogey. The trip was cold. It snowed. More pictures and a longer update to come once I get some sleep. Off to bed I go…

2010-11-29T16:07:00.000-07:00

3 days till Michigan! I have to pick up dry cleaning, do some laundry and then pack!! Hopefully I can get some cleaning around the house done before we leave. Just the floor would be good. Coming home to clean floors is always nice.

John had the flu for the last few days. He's feeling much better finally but not 100% just yet. I've been doing everything possible so that I don't get sick. The difference with me and 99% of the population is that if I get this 2 day flu that's going around I will be sick for at least a week. And frankly that just doesn't fit into my plans right now.

Currently reading a really good book about a family's secret Aunt that was committed to Eloise. It's called Annie's Ghost. Eloise was a mental health facility in Wayne County that closed in the 80's. I've always been fascinated by it. In it's days of operation it was like a city of it's own. Completely self sufficient down to the tobacco it grew for patients and staff. Now it's abandoned but still an icon. The book explores the secret their Mom kept about a sister that was committed there. The family learns of their aunt only after their mother dies in her 80's. Not only does the son explore his families secret but also the mental health system of Detroit and it's "crown gem" Eloise. I assume I will finish that before we leave on Thursday so I'm looking for suggestions for a good book to read while traveling.

2010-11-26T23:11:00.002-07:00

Thanksgiving was a success. The food was delicious. The company was enjoyable. I am now obsessed with the game Catch Phrase. I'm a little shocked that out of 11 people I was the only one that knew what Polliwogs are. They're Tadpoles in case anyone else cares to know. I have a personal grudge against Chris for beating my team. I think I found someone as competitive as me. Scary. Very Scary.

Gobble Gobble

2010-11-24T19:38:00.001-07:00

Happy Thanksgiving. My pumpkin pies are cooling on the counter and the cheesecake has about 20 minutes left to go. I still have to prep my ingredients for the stuffing so I can throw that all together in the morning. First I have to figure out how to use my food pro to chop all the onions. Johnny bought me the nicest food processor and I've used it twice now. Both times to grind the crust for cheesecakes. So since it's out and looking pretty on the counter I figure I should use it for something other than crusts. What better than to chop two very large onions for a double batch of spicy sausage stuffing. I'm also a little curious about this cheesecake recipe. Everyone raves that it's the best plain cheesecake. The strange part is that after an hour at 350 degrees in the oven you shut off the oven, leave the door closed and allow to cool for 5-6 hours in the oven. It's supposed to prevent cracking and create the perfect texture. I'll let you know when I'm pulling it out of the oven at midnight.

The stuffing is what I'm really excited about. Well that and the cold pumpkin pie with lots of cool whip. Growing up we would always spend Thanksgiving with my Dad and his side of the family. I'm a picky eater so I would skip the turkey and cranberry sauce and green bean casserole and stick with stuffing and mashed potatoes. It's all I wanted and as hard as my grandma tried to force me to eat all the other stuff I was lucky because my Dad never made me. Then the battle over desert would begin. I've only grown to enjoy pumpkin pie in the last half of my life or so. Before that all I wanted for dessert was cool whip. That's it. A big dollop of cool whip and spoon and I would be in heaven. Every year my Gram and my Aunt Becky would say I couldn't have my cool whip if I wasn't going to eat the pie. Every year my Dad would say "What's the damn difference" if I eat a piece of pie with cool whip or just the cool whip. Technically I was saving the calories and fat by skipping the pie and just taking the topping. Plus it left an extra piece of pie for the Dad. So one of the things I miss about Thanksgiving is being with my Dad and the EWO. I've spent every thanksgiving with them until I moved to the desert. This will be my 4th thanksgiving away from home and even though I now like the pie (still won't eat the crust) I still have myself a Thanksgiving dessert of Cool Whip. It's tradition! What's your Thanksgiving tradition?

2010-11-23T00:04:00.000-07:00

Is it possible to be physically homesick? I know we are going home to visit in 9 days and I'm really excited but it's not enough. I want to move home. I love Arizona. I really love the weather and it's beautiful. I love everything except for the fact that it's not Michigan. It's not home. And maybe it's because I'm depressed because our fertility treatments aren't working. A big part of it might be the lack of loyalty and friendship from people in this town. Sure, I have friends but they aren't the people I grew up with, the people I trust, the people that have my back. Back home my friends would take a bullet for me. Here your lucky if your friends don't shoot you. People are so concerned with being liked and wanting everyone to get along. I refuse to be fake. I won't pretend to be friends with someone and then talk about them behind their back. If I don't like someone they sure as hell know it. I was raised to never say anything behind someones back that I wouldn't say to their face. For some reason that gets me a lot of trouble out here. Almost all the women out here are more concerned with everyone being friends and getting along so they are so nice to people in person but if you don't show up to a function you can be sure you will be talked about. Maybe most of my friend being male in Michigan has something to do with that. Out here if you have male friends or talk to the men at a gathering you are automatically considered a husband stealing whore. It's so hard to know who to trust and if they are your real friend down here. Maybe I'm apprehensive after that emotional damage that Sara and Michelle have caused in my life. Maybe it's me? I'm just so damn tired of it all.

Guess who's grounded from Target?

2010-11-19T16:17:00.000-07:00

This girl right here. We just went shopping to pick up a birthday present for Saydee, our friend Jessica's daughter, who's first birthday is tomorrow. Plus we needed to pick up some of the ingredients for the items we are bringing to Thanksgiving dinner. Then I wanted an oversize comfy sweater to wear in Michigan and here on chilly nights. John needed a tie and sweater for the baptism. Plus he wanted clips to put Christmas lights in our front window and a timer. Somehow I NEEDED a Christmas tablecloth as well. I think I shop when I'm depressed. We aren't even putting up a tree this year. Mainly because we are going to be in Michigan until the 15th. We are putting the lights up on timers so they will turn on and off while we are gone. I used my 20% off but somehow still ended up having John ground me from Target.

I'll be making a double batch of spicey sausage stuffing for Thanksgiving. Then for desert I am making two pumpkin pies and a large cheesecake. Lucky for me all those things can be made the day before. We are eating early, about 12, in case any of the other agents have to work. So I don't have to get up super early and cook and bake. I'll have it all done the night before and can get up about 20 minutes before we have to leave. That's my kind of holiday.

Black Friday shopping with Mindy and Stacy this year. We are going to Tucson Thursday night because Toys R Us opens at midnight. Then stopping at our Target about 4am. I won't be doing much shopping because I'm grounded and because we are saving for our IVF. We are hoping to be do the IVF in Spring. That means cutting out a lot of our spending. Sadly that includes Christmas shopping.

Baptism Blanket (Bautismo Manta)

2010-11-16T14:12:00.000-07:00

2010-11-15T14:45:00.001-07:00

Wow. Another failed cycle. Crushing really. Time to start saving for IVF and stop wasting money every month on things that aren't working. Might have to skip Christmas this year in order to start saving. Wow. Seriously.

I'm a sucker for the details...

2010-11-10T23:11:00.000-07:00

I had another fun adventure in blood work today. I have small, rolling veins that tend to collapse when the needle hits them. It's loads of fun. Not really. So today while having a P4 (progesterone) test to confirm ovulation my veins decided to protest. We tried my trust left arm, always the winner. Nope, not today. Ended up having blood taken from my inner bicep. Seriously miserable and bruised instantly. The bruise has now a little larger than the size of quarter. I'm just happy they didn't have to go for my hand.

The nurse called about 1.5 hours earlier than usual with the results. My results came back as greater than 20. Ovulation was confirmed and the doctor was happy with the results. I asked the nurse for the specific number. Usually my number is between 13-17. Last month it was 31.5. So I wanted to know what I was measuring at this month. The nurse explained that all the doctor wrote was >20 on my chart and she didn't have the detailed results. I'm going to try calling back tomorrow for the official number. While >20 is good and it confirms ovulation I'm still curious as to where it stands on the charts. Is it >20 but < 30, <50??? I don't know and I really would like to know.

2010-11-06T02:01:00.000-07:00

$185 shot in the ass! That's almost a plane ticket to Michigan. Let's hope I can get a good deal on tickets so I can afford to drag our asses home. Trying to get pregnant is costing me a fortune. If only my ovaries decided to stop working as I aged. I live in a town were kids are having kids and everyone and their mother is pregnant right now. Makes me want to burrow into my couch with some popcorn and watch reruns of America's Next Top Model till my mind melts. Seriously.

In other news I picked up some yarn for the first time in almost six months. I haven't had the ambition to knit or crochet for months. Not sure what was going on there. So I'm working on a baptism blanket as gift for Mia. My hand is currently cramping from holding the hook. Probably because it's been so long. The pattern is Pineapples in the Round which is a traditional blanket pattern. This pattern is riddled with errors but lucky for me someone on Ravelry.com has listed all the errors they found while working on it. That should keep me from having a craft related breakdown.

I'm also using my crafty bug to make some adorable pinwheels to place in the poinsettia center pieces we are using at the baptism. These are super easy and fun to make plus they look adorable. I liked them so much I decided to make some for Christmas decorations at our house. I'll make some banners and possibly some ornaments out of them. I just need to find some darn Christmas 12x12 paper in this town! Wish me luck. If not I'll be in Tucson next week for a p4 test and I'll drag John to Michael's.

Happy Halloween!

2010-10-31T20:13:00.000-07:00

Celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary with breakfast at the diner. We'll have a nice dinner when we are in Tucson on Tuesday. We spent the evening passing out candy to the kids that were out Trick or Treating. We actually ran out of candy this year. It's our first year that it's happened out here in Arizona. It seems like a lot of people from other neighborhoods drove their kids over to our area and dropped their kids off here. We even had a few families up from Mexico. That's defiantly something you don't see in Michigan.

Johnny is off to work here in a few hours and I'll be watching the season finale of Swamp People. (Aside from my irrational fear of butterflies I also have issues with alligators. I hate hunting but for some reason the hunting of alligators (and butterflies) is ok with me!)

2010-10-26T15:34:00.000-07:00

Feeling a little bit better today. Still congested and coughing. Still dealing with a runny nose but not nearly as terrible as the last few days. Johnny is working days today and tomorrow to train some National Guard people to work one of the BP's crazy cameras. I took the opportunity to make as much noise as I wanted. I didn't have to worry about waking him up so I finally started some laundry and loaded the dishwasher. Plus I let the dogs "fight" and bark as much as they wanted. Now they are both pooped and sleeping on the floor at my feet.

Glee is Rocky Horror Picture Show themed tonight! I'm very excited about this. One of my favorite movies/musicals and I'm thrilled Glee is covering some of the songs tonight. Now if they would do a Chorus Line episode I'd be in cheeky musical heaven!

Current dates for Julie and John to invade Detroit are December 3rd -17th. We will know for sure after we talk to John's Mom. She's getting in touch with the church for Mia's baptism in the next few days. Once the Baptism date is confirmed we will know the official dates for the trip home. We're excited to come and visit and see everyone. Plus we are looking forward to the Baptism. We're both pretty excited that they chose us as the god parents.

Sunday is Johnny and my 7 year wedding anniversary. Scary! 7 years and we're still going strong. We won't be doing anything big to celebrate. Usually we have dinner at the Melting Pot around the time of the anniversary and then on Halloween we stay home and pass out candy. Kids don't really trick or treat in Arizona like back home. We maybe get 10-15 kids as opposed to the 100 or so in Michigan. So this year I bought a few little Halloween buckets from Target and filled them with some fun little stuff and lots of candy. I'll pass those out to our friend that stop by with their kids.